Marriage is hard. I adore my husband. I really do, but we’ve been in a marriage rut for quite some time now.
February is the love month. It’s characterized by red hearts, flowers, cards, and gifts with big bows draped across the boxes. Not for us. We call Valentine’s Day a Hallmark holiday and try not to give in to the pressure.
A couple of weeks ago on the 14th as I lay in bed sick, my sweet hubby brought me roses and my favorite latte. He gave in to the Hallmark holiday this year even in the midst of our rut. This led me to think of all the little things he does for me, those loving gestures that should more than make up for the difficulties our many years together have brought us.
So, why don’t they? Why do we insist on focusing on the hard parts of marriage, the mundane, the arguments, the annoying quirks of our partners…?
Simple changes to our perspective and autopilot habits can do wonders for bringing our marriages out of the rut they fall into far too often.
Here are 3 areas my husband and I are working on to pull us out of this less than ideal space we’ve found ourselves in: (He doesn’t quite know about #3 yet but I’m thinking it’s the most important for us right now…)
1. Think (and get all the facts) before you speak. Don’t run on autopilot or jump to conclusions.
A sad example of what NOT to do: My husband brought me breakfast in bed last month when I happened to be on a sugar fast. It was pancakes. Instead of praising the sweet act of love, I just couldn’t seem to get past what I saw as a violent sabotage on my health (I know, very dramatic).
I later found out he replaced the white sugar with honey, which I usually allow in small amounts during these fasts. But the damage from my quick tempered words and lack of appreciation had already set in.
Choosing words wisely is an area in which my dear hubby is much better than me, but after 16 years of marriage, I’m improving more every day.
2. Focus on the solution instead of the problem. Worry less about how the issue started and more about how to fix it. We aren’t meant to live out our marriages in bickering and power struggles.
Instructions for Christian Households
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
~Colossians 3:18-19 (NLT)
We both need work in this area. He struggles with bitterness and holding onto animosity, while I love control and can have great difficulty letting him lead at times.
3. Put away all devices after dinner. We are on complete autopilot on this topic. My husband, son, and I sit on the couch every night and play on our phones, iPads, laptops… This is what I would call the deepest root cause of our marriage rut.
Device-free time is a new habit we will start now. (Surprise, my love!) I’ll update you soon with how it goes…
These 3 simple tips can no doubt go a long way in bringing joy and contentment back to a struggling relationship. All marriages go through difficult periods. It’s how we respond to those times that can make all the difference.
Can you relate to any of these issues? Do you struggle with feeling your marriage could be so much more? I would love to chat in the comments. Let us know a favorite tip for how you and your partner stay connected!
It’s good to see you back here, Candace! Marriage is a lot of give and take, isn’t it? How sweet of your husband to treat you on Valentine’s Day. I hope you are feeling better by now! One thing I have found that helps in a marriage is to try to look at a situation through our partner’s eyes. Also, I think it’s so important to compliment and appreciate each other. Love and hugs to you!
Thanks, Trudy! It’s nice to be back :). Great tips, my friend. Looking at a situation from their side changes everything. I completely agree about compliments and appreciation too. Those are both incredibly important habits in a relationship. Love and hugs to you!
I totally agree with number three interfering with my marriage too. We talk a lot less due to being on our tablets and phones. Sometimes I have to say we are putting away our devices and spending some good face time together. And you know as since I blog my husband and children have to tell me the same thing too.
I’m with you, Sonya! My people have to tell me to put away my screens too. I’m hoping to try to lead on this one though by closing all mine up first. It’s a tough habit to break, but I’m hopeful. We are going to start with a couple of nights a week. That was our compromise ;). Hopefully it will grow from there.
I love this SO MUCH Candace! I can’t tell you how many times my husband has come up from behind to hug me and talk to me while I’ve been sitting at my desk on my computer and I either wave him away or pretend to be listening, fully distracted and not giving him the attention he deserves!
The other two areas are SO important too. Oh yes oh yes oh yes! Thank you for the reminder to truly think about our responses to our dear husbands when they are trying to love us in their own way. And focusing on the SOLUTION and working through that instead of harboring on the problem, is a really great idea and insight for me as well.
I do the same thing, Chris. It’s hard when so much of our work is on a screen. If I’m in the middle of writing, interruption can be tragic ;). I’m really going to try to commit to daytime work hours so my night time distractions minimize greatly. Always great to see you!!
Gosh, after almost 19 years of marriage these are such great tips! I too adore my husband, but those ruts do happen along the way. Some corrections like you shared can definitely help get things back on track. So important!
We are not far behind you at almost 17 years, Jen :). Corrections is a great word. That’s exactly what we need every once on a while to keep moving forward.
Love these simple yet practical tips for keeping our marriages on track! I need to remember to focus on the solution to a problem – not focus on how I feel I was wronged or inconvenienced – so that we can more quickly move past the conflict, and resolve the issue.
That has been a hard shift for me to make, Tracey. It’s well worth it though. You are so right. This simple change can help us move through the conflict much faster which is always nice :).
In this season of the empty-ing nest, I’m thankful for a marriage AND a relationship with my guy. Thanks for these helpful principles.
We will be empty nesters in 4 years, Michele. I know that time will fly by. I’m really trying to work on our relationship before we get there :). I’m so glad to hear about your success in that season. I’m looking forward to it!
I think putting away devices after dinner is a great idea! It’s amazing how much less we connect when we have these in our hands. I’m eager to hear if/how this helps get you out of the rut!
We are supposed to start this week, Shannon. I’m planning for at least 2 nights a week in the beginning. It doesn’t sound like much but I wanted to start with an easy goal :). I’ll keep you posted!
Such fantastic tips. I think #2 is probably the most important, not only in marriage but in all aspects of life. Can you imagine how much happier life would be if we all focused on solutions to our problems? Thanks so much for sharing at the #happynowlinkup!
Great point, Leslie! What a difference that shift would make in so many areas of our lives. Thanks for pointing that out :).
These are great! I think we forget how easy it is to take loved ones for granted. We must show them how much we cherish them!
It is so easy to take those people we love the most for granted, Sarah. I completely agree! It seems like they are the ones that get the hardest parts of us. I guess it’s the amount of trust we have that they will be there no matter what. You are so right. We need to show them how much they mean to us more :).