I give my husband a great deal of grief. I’m constantly sharing my opinion with him, whether he wants it or not. There is very little room for error around me at times. My words have really hurt him in the past and although I’m trying to work on this more, using words wisely is a constant struggle.
I grew up in a home where we said whatever was on our minds, without too much concern about how the receiver would feel. When my alcoholic father lived with us, we hid our words from his wrath. I hardly remember anyone saying something harsh to him. In the one instance I accidentally slipped, I vividly recall his actions which trained me to never make that mistake again.
When he left us, it became a free for all with our words. My mom, sister, and I finally felt safe to say whatever came to mind, which we continue to do with each other today. That freedom, which at one time served as a great release for me, is now something I see as a character flaw.
Unfortunately for my sweet husband, he gets the worst of this deeply ingrained habit of blasting out all opinions and annoyances, regardless of their harshness. It’s especially hard for him because he is a man who carefully chooses his words so as not to hurt my feelings.
The other day, he called me 3 times in a row with the same ending. My phone rang, I answered and spoke, with no reply from him. By the 3rd ring, I was pretty cranky and let him know about it into the phone, unconcerned if he could hear me or not.
I finally decided maybe I could end this constant phone ringing annoyance from him with a text:
Hmmmm. Maybe I was a little harsh screaming into the phone, especially while my poor son sat in the backseat listening through the car speakers. Maybe they didn’t need my tirade about all of those phone calls I found unnecessary.
In my current online Bible study, Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman, she challenged us to just listen to our people and not give an opinion unless they asked for it. I never even thought to take that challenge. My need to be understood and share my oh so important opinion is something I fear letting go of.
But then this:
We might have to choose to let go of the need to prove our point, choosing instead to do the right thing: to impart grace and deal with the other person in love and with utmost patience.
~Karen Ehman
Grace. Patience. Two things I need so much from others but struggle to dish out at times.
So, here is my Valentine’s gift to my wonderful, loving husband: I promise to try my hardest to choose grace over self-righteousness. I promise to love and safeguard your heart instead of proving my point with those little unwelcome attacks.
You know me enough to not expect perfection, but you can excitably anticipate a beautiful attempt at choosing kinder words in all of our interactions. And when I slip up, as you know I will, thank you in advance for continuing to use grace and patience with me.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths,
but only such as is good for building up,
as fits the occasion,
that it may give grace to those who hear.
~Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)
Is there anyone you could gift kinder words to? I think we all let our mouths go a little overboard at times. We are in this together, friends. Let’s all choose grace…
Oh Candace, this is gorgeous. Wise.
What good’s a box of expensive candy, an armload of flowers, or an expensive card if our words are shrill, ugly, unpleasant.
I’m sharing this on the sidebar over at Creekside.
I appreciate you so …
My husband is having a blast with this, Linda :). He has already called me on a couple of slip-ups. It’s really quite humorous watching it play out. I think it’s by far his favorite present ever from me. Thanks so much for sharing it, my friend!
Amen to that, Candace. Great advice!
Over the last couple of years, especially, I’ve noticed an annoying tendency I have to say unkind things when I’m feeling unhappy. Sometimes it’s as if I can ‘see myself’ and wonder what in the world I’m thinking. That’s when I know I need to do two things: get by myself and pray for forgiveness and then go ask for forgiveness from whoever heard me. I think this self-awareness has helped me get better; not perfect, but better.
Have a great week, Candace. Your post has put a smile on my face after a slow start to my day.
That is fantastic advice, LuAnn! I can completely relate to actually “seeing myself.” I really need to start escaping to some alone time with God too when these moments happen. You have a great week too! So glad I could put a smile on your face :). It’s always great to see you!
So true, our words are so powerful! This is a very throughtful post Candace and an even better Valentines Day gift to yourself and your husband. I try to stop and think before saying something I know I wouldn’t want said to me. Especially with those I love the most. That is where the words can cut the most deeply.
Words cut so deeply. I completely agree, Jen! I’m impressed that you are able to evaluate your words so well by thinking if you would want it said to you. I just get too caught up in the moment and things come out of my mouth that shouldn’t. My hubby is definitely loving this gift :).
Thank you for sharing so openly, Candace. It’s hard to surrender our opinion, especially with a background like you have. I wish you strength and patience! I think we all can take to heart to speak “only such as is good for building up” as Ephesians 4 says.
Old habits are so hard to break, Trudy. I’ve already slipped up a couple of times :). Luckily, my husband is much more patient than I am.
Candace,
As soon as I saw the title, before I even began to read the post Eph 4:29 LEPT into my spirit. It is a scripture I often use with my children for how they should address each other. But it gave me pause just now thinking about it in another version which says “seasoned” with grace. Oh the conviction. With my husband I feel I am pretty gracious because we flow together. But my children…well they are a moving target. 5 little people, 5 different personalities, 5 people moving through ages and stages of development. My words are sometimes seasoned with “harshness”. Thank you for the gentle reminder today friend.
I can’t imagine having 5 little ones running around here, Tyra! I’m impressed. They would definitely be “moving targets” for me too. I get it, my friend! I love that verse. I need to print it out and post it around the house while I’m working on this issue :).
What a sweet gift of love – one that we all should consider giving this Valentine’s day and beyond.
I’m hoping this will be a gift that keeps on giving, Mindy :). This is a habit I hope to break for good, although I know there will never be perfection with it. If I can just get to a point where I always think before I speak, I’ll feel successful.
This was a great read. I think we can all work on not saying hurtful things to our family members at times. I know I need to work on this.
Thanks, Sonya! I think you are right that we could all work on this area. It’s so easy to let go with our family members, knowing they will still love us anyway. This has been an issue for a while with me and my hubby. He’s pretty thrilled with this change of heart :).
Hi Candace, I’m doing the Keep It Shut Bible study, too! It’s exactly what I need:) I have the same problem, but I’m learning to pause before I pounce! Thankful that God never gives up on me. Blessings!
It is such a great book! When I first heard about it, I remember thinking, “I’m not sure if I need that one” :). The things we tell ourselves… I’m so glad I chose to participate in this one. Blessings to you as well, Kristine!
Wow, did I need to be reminded of this today in anticipation of the often-dreaded V-Day!
“So, here is my Valentine’s gift to my wonderful, loving husband: I promise to try my hardest to choose grace over self-righteousness. I promise to love and safeguard your heart instead of proving my point with those little unwelcome attacks.”
YES!!! Thank you so much for your encouraging words! #RaRa
You are so welcome, Meg! I have to remind myself several times throughout the day about this gift for my husband :). Our words just seem to slip out far too often without much thought. It is definitely a work in progress!
Oh Candace… you don’t know how much this speaks to me. The timing in reading this is PERFECT. My mother is in town, and that causes me great angst and she decided to rehash her last visit which ended her in the hospital for a morphine overdose- she is also an alcoholic- sober, but now on morphine. For ‘pain’…
She wanted to make sure I knew that she believed I was the one that kept her from having her morphine in the hospital while she went through withdrawal. The week she was in the hospital, I sacrificed everything to care for her… while she was abusive to me. I finally gave up and didn’t return. It was U.G.L.Y. Much like her former drinking years…
Now she brings this up, to remind me how I ‘failed her’. WOW.
Yes… letting it go. Praying through every minute with her. There is nothing I can do to make my point… for my point is useless. I cannot change her twisted perspective. I can’t make her wrongs right. And I certainly cannot heal her.
We might have to choose to let go of the need to prove our point, choosing instead to do the right thing: to impart grace and deal with the other person in love and with utmost patience.
~Karen Ehman
That will stay with me today… and for the rest of her stay.
Wow! That is a lot to deal with, Chris! Praying for you, my friend. Morphine is serious business. That has got to cause problems for her on many levels. You are so right that you can’t fix her. Just keep telling yourself that. I have to do the same with some of my family members :). It’s easier said than done though. I completely understand. I hope you two can find some peace during her stay!
ME TOO Candace, with my mom and sister: I grew up in a home where we said whatever was on our minds, without too much concern about how the receiver would feel. When my alcoholic father lived with us, we hid our words from his wrath. I hardly remember anyone saying something harsh to him. In the one instance I accidentally slipped, I vividly recall his actions which trained me to never make that mistake again… As an adult child of God and an adult child of an alcoholic I can so relate to your words. In my first marriage my angry, hateful words helped to kill our union. Words are that powerful. And now, after so much darkness and loss, I remember that whatever I say to another I am saying to JESUS…even if it’s just in my head. Thank you for sharing. Tweeting! #raralinkup
I love your thought on “whatever I say to another I am saying to JESUS,” Sheila! I will have to remember that. What a great way to weigh your words. Thanks for the inspiration and for tweeting :)!
Candace, what truth you share dear friend. I am just like you – sometimes I know I should be quiet but the trap keeps moving. Yes, let me have patience and grace. I cheer your words and insight greatly! #RaRalinkup at Purposeful Faith loves that you bring such wisdom on marriage!!
Thank you for your sweet encouragement, Kelly! Marriage is something I’m really trying to work on these days. Our partner in life is so important and that relationship must be nourished. It’s always great to join in your inspiring #RaRaLinkup :).
Kind words are so important in keeping the respect in a relationship which is vital in any relationship. We often take this for granted. I admit I used to be so mean too with my partner and I can justify why. Then again, I think there could be a better option.
It is so easy to take for granted, Lux! I completely agree. I think we have all had someone we could have used better words with. Thankfully, we are not expected to be perfect :).
So true. Often, it’s the people closest to us. You’re blessed though to have a very understanding husband.
He is shockingly patient at times, Lux. Kind of the extreme opposite of me :).
Candace, I frequently tell my 13-year-old daughter that just because a thought pops into her head does NOT mean it has to come out of her mouth. The problem is, she’s not the only one who needs to remember that! The quote by Karen Ehman speaks straight to MY heart (and mouth) today. Thank you for your convicting words.
My daughter was a teenager not long ago and I still remember my shock at what came out of that little mouth. Unfortunately what was more shocking was seeing my influence in her words. We all could use a little help in this area, Lois :). I completely understand!
I pray I choose to give grace with my words today too, Candace, the grace I so desperately need. : )
Grace is a beautiful gift, to give and to receive! I pray this for you as well, Crystal :).
I probably ought to go ahead and read this book now. My husband has been known to remind me that I don’t have to share my opinion on everything possible the moment it comes to my mind. GUILTY. 🙂 I appreciate this post and am encouraged. Thanks for being real and sharing this at #ThreeWordWednesday.
I’m only half way through the book, but I’ve already got so much out of it, Kristin. My husband tells me the same thing quite often :). Thanks for the inspiring and encouraging linkup!
Candace your words really resonated with me. I too tend to speak my mind to my husband also. It is something I have been working on, too. Pinned and shared.
I think so many of us give our husband’s the worst of our words. I definitely say things to him I wouldn’t say to anyone else. Admitting this is the first step. We are well on our way to change now, Brandi :). Thanks so much for sharing and pinning!
Great ideas!! It’s so important to make our husband’s feel loved. Great post and I love that verse! 🙂
Thanks Jamie! It’s a great verse to help with this situation, such a perfect reminder. I really liked the ESV interpretation. It’s a version I haven’t read much from before, but I think it fits perfectly here.
Hi Candace! I am also more sharp-tongued than my husband. He is so understanding of me, but always says “Why do you think I’m against you?”
I read recently that St. Paul thought patience was so important that he listed it first in the ‘love is..” passage in Corinthians. That really struck me. Patience is the beginning of love, and allows love in.
I think you’re going to have a lovely Valentine’s Day. Bless you and yours!
Ceil
What a great question for him to ask you, Ceil. It would really make me stop and reflect. That’s an interesting fact about patience in the Bible. Thanks for sharing it with me! Patience is a virtue I definitely struggle with. Blessings to you and yours as well!
Wow!! I hear you loud and clear on this post. I do the same thing to my hubby. Seems I like to have the last word way too much. Bu the is so full of grace, he takes it and then I realize later what a fool I was. Its so hard to break a ‘bad” habit and that is one I am determined to do!! Grace and patience. Amen
Oh, that last word, Tammy! I have the same issue and unfortunately, so does my husband. I always hate that moment when I realize how out of control I was with him. It is an incredibly difficult habit to break. I will definitely still be working on it long after Valentine’s Day has passed. Grace and patience, my friend :).
It looks like your post hit the nail on the head for a lot of us. Thank you for putting your thoughts into words for us in a positive way. I have been trying to learn that I can have an opinion on anything, the wisdom comes in knowing when to share that opinion and when to keep it to myself. Praying for all of us in this important subject you have so timely raised.
I love this, Kathleen: “the wisdom comes in knowing when to share that opinion and when to keep it to myself.” How true that is! Thank you for your encouragement and prayers. We certainly all could use some help in this area :).
Thanks for the great thoughts to ponder Candace. I always struggle with being “here” and just listening to my kids without trying to multi task and do something else at the same time.
I have the same struggle, Amber! My kids have been giving me grief lately about being on my phone too much. I’m mortified every time they bring it up. It’s something I’m definitely wanting to work on too.