We all have those inner voices telling us we are not good enough at one or more of our roles in life. My loudest voice is from one of my inner demons I call the Perfect Mommy. She makes me feel like I am never good enough as a parent due to my many imperfections.
I’m here to tell her I am no longer at her mercy. God is the only one I answer to and He is not the condescending presence Perfect Mommy is. As Renee Swope tells us in A Confident Heart, “His goodness makes me good enough.”
Dear Perfect Mommy,
For so many years you have made me feel less than. You see me as completely inept as a mother, the role that is most important to me. I’m done listening to you. I’m done feeling the pain and doubt you inflict on me.
I don’t feed my kids properly. I don’t keep our house clean enough. I don’t teach them enough about exercise, doing chores, good manners…
Blah, blah, blah…
I can’t hear you anymore.
As I watch helplessly as my precious daughter wanders lost, away from her faith, you tell me it’s all my fault. I was inconsistent with church while she was growing up. I haven’t always been the best example of a Christian woman for her. These things may be true, but I will no longer take on all of the responsibility. She is at an age where many wander, and I’m deep in prayer for her every day begging God to bring her back to Him. This is the greatest gift I can give to her.
When my son goes into one of his horrifying seizures, you blame me. You kick me when I am at my lowest, broken from witnessing such a frightening event. You tell me it must be something I have done wrong. You say I must be a defective mother for my son to have epilepsy and my daughter to suffer through multiple painful injections every day to try to control her diabetes. I hear from you, loud and clear, my children are dealing with these terrible inflictions because of the sins of their mother…
I now know all of these accusations from you are lies. I’m far from a perfect mom, but there is only one perfect parent. That is our Father, God. He has adopted all of us, me and my children included.
Yet to all who did receive him,
to those who believed in his name,
he gave the right to become children of God.
~John 1:12
I am not in control of their lives. He is. I cannot possibly care for them as He does. Your constant lies, telling me I’m in control, have caused me a ridiculous amount of worry for almost 20 long years.
Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own;
it is not for them to direct their steps.
~Jeremiah 10:23
I’m here to love them and guide them to the best of my ability. I love them fiercely, with every single corner of my being. My guidance is improving daily as my relationship with Christ grows monumentally.
You are right about many things, Perfect Mommy. I don’t always make the best choices. My kids are definitely not getting the 5+ daily fruits and vegetables they should. Honestly, as you know, many days I’m lucky to fit in one or two. You have mocked me as I pulled dirty jeans from the hamper for my son to wear to school.
However, I delight in the fact my precious children know beyond a shadow of a doubt I love them and would give my life for them. For this reason alone, I can let go of my need to please you forever more…
Much Love,
Candace, an imperfect mommy and thankful child of God
love it! Once again, Candace, thank you for sharing such passionate post. It is filled with the honesty of someone who is humble enough to be real. There is only one perfect parent, indeed! Our Heavenly Father. All we can aspire to be is imperfect imitators. I’m sending a prayer for your dear children. They are blessed to have you as their Mom. And let us all follow your example of fiercely praying for our children without ceasing. The power of a Mother’s prayer is mighty. Big hugs
Thank you so much, Gisela, for your sweet comment and prayers for my children! Trying to be a Perfect Mommy is something I have struggled with for so many years. I’m sure I will still listen to her every once in a while, unfortunately, but I am really working on moving forward without her.
Candace, you are not alone! My Perfect Mommy taunts me all the time, but like you, I understand that I am made perfect through God, so my imperfections are opportunities to rely on Him rather than my own abilities. Thanks for being so transparent…we all need to see that we aren’t the only ones that struggle with reaching perfection!
Thanks for your encouragement Jenifer! I so agree with you our “imperfections are opportunities to rely on Him.” That is a great way to look at it!
Thank you. I’ve struggled at different times with that same Perfect Mommy trying to tell me I’m at fault, and I’m not doing all I can, but you’re right, she tells terrible lies. Praising God for His sweet and precious promises that speak the truth to a mother’s heart.
Her nagging is filled with “terrible lies” :)! She does make us struggle unnecessarily. Thanks Debbie for your visit! I hope you can quiet your inner Perfect Mommy!
Oh Candace!! Your post nailed it on the head for me this morning! How I feel that “Perfect Mom” tugging at me too, eating away at me. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your truth. I would bet that every mom out there reading this can absolutely relate. You are fighting back and giving inspiration to us all. Lifting you and your children up in prayer!
Stephanie~ OBS Group Leader
Thank you so much for your prayers Stephanie! They are so appreciated! Keep fighting her, you can overcome.
So beautifully said, Candace. As a recovering perfectionist, I have let it go, and am working hard to be comfortable with my imperfections. I gather strength from your post this morning.
Hi Paula! Oh that perfectionism does a number on us! I struggle with it daily and it has caused me a lot of pain. I’m glad you are in remission :).
Candace you said so beautifully what so many of us want to say! And to know you are the perfect mommy to Your kids in God’s eyes because He choose YOU to give them to! ! He choose YOU! You are the chosen one! Rest in that my sweet sister!
Thank you for that great reminder Amanda! It is comforting to know He chose me. It is no accident I am their mommy.
Oh wow Candace, this resonated with me sooo much. I too have a “perfect mommy” that speaks to me. I keep trying to shut her up but some days its hard. Thank you so much for this post.
I wish I could say I have silenced her forever, but I know that is not true. I’m so glad this resonated with you Becky. I hope you found some comfort!
I love this, it has been an awful week or two with grandson and this is great. I wish I had this strength at times, I get angry and tired. Thanks
I get angry and tired often Cathy. I understand completely. I’m sorry about the struggles you are having with your grandson. Praying for you both!
Wow, awesome post.
I can;t tell you how happy I am that you started up a blog and that we’ve had the chance to become friends. I really needed this today. Your candor, too, is so refreshing and lovely as you write on difficult topics.
Candace, on a different note, might I ask for your support? My blog was nom in 2 categ at the HS Post blog awards. and I;d be honored by your vote.THANK YOU! You can vote once per day per device til the 18th if you are so inclined.
Thanks candace. You’re the beat,
I am honored to vote for you my friend! I will try to do it daily. Congrats on the nominations. You deserve them!
Great share xoxo you are great as you are bumps and all. We all have to remember that from time to time for sure 🙂
Thanks Mari! I am feeling very bumpy lately, but I think we all have those moments. Hugs to you too!
I love this! It is so true! I think any mom has a perfect mommy in her and its hard sometimes but you are right God has it! thank you so much for sharing!
You are so right Misty! We all have some version of that annoying Perfect Mommy. The trick is to realize as you so adequately put it “God has it!”
Incredibly done once again Candace! Oh how I can relate to everything you said. And yay for you cuz you linked that video…..you go girl!
Hi Tonya! I was so happy to figure out how to link the video. I think it fits perfectly with the post. Thanks for your sweet comment!
Candace,
I could have written this letter myself. Thank you so much for sharing. My younger daughter is five and suffers from an anxiety disorder. It came to a point over this past summer where I could no longer handle it on my own, like I thought I had to. I sat in my car and cried and told God I was giving my children back to Him and I would trust His plan for them. This was right before an important meeting that would determine if she would get the help she needed from the school system. I went into that meeting ready to accept whatever happened as God’s will and she got the help she needed! She is doing so well right now, and it would not have happened without God. I know I am not perfect…my girls don’t always eat healthy, the house is not always clean, but the most important thing is that they are building their own relationships with God and they know I love them without a shadow of a doubt.
Admitting that I could not do things alone was not easy, but I know it was the best thing I could ever do for my children. I trust God to take care of all of us.
God Bless you. I will be praying for you!
~Johanna
Thank you for sharing your story Johanna! I will pray for you and your daughter as well! I have had many of those alone in the car breakdowns. God can bring us through those moments even when we don’t feel it at the time. Anxiety is a tough thing. Me and my children all have issues with it. I feel your pain. I’m glad to hear your precious daughter is doing so well now!
Candace,
Thank you for sharing this with all of us it is a blessing knowing I’m not alone with these thoughts. God Bless!!
You are far from alone in this Camille! Just take a look at all of the women here like us who struggle with this. God Bless you to my friend!
Another great blog! I look forward to reading yours every week. And you are definitely not alone with these thoughts. I think all us mothers share in them! I’m so glad you opened yourself up and shared with us again! 🙂
That is so sweet Kim! Thank you! Being a mommy is the hardest, but most rewarding job there is. I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
Precious Mom, sister in Christ, your letter and your video blessed me so much! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Brenda! What an incredible complement that you were blessed by these words. I hope to see you again :).
I enjoyed this. I also have this small voice in my head saying similar things to me! I have also vowed not to listen to the lies any more. I really like how you sum what is important up: “However, I delight in the fact my precious children know beyond a shadow of a doubt I love them and would give my life for them. For this reason alone, I can let go of my need to please you forever more…”
I hope you can silence that voice Stephanie. I truly believe the greatest gift we can give our children is our love. If they feel loved, they can certainly overlook our imperfections, and so should we. I’m so glad you stopped by!
I always enjoy reading your blogs, Candace. I not only feel like I have been an Imperfect mother but I feel like I have failed my daughter as her mother. I feel as if I have caused my daughter to use her drug heroin to find comfort in something she wasn’t getting from me. My heart hurts everyday!
Deborah, Please don’t take responsibility for her drug use! It is not your fault. Some of us are born addicts. As much as I blamed my parents for my addiction issues when I was younger, I know now it was an inevitable part of my life. God will use her someday just as He is using me now. If I had not suffered through those years of addiction, this blog would not be here and I would probably have no desire to help others. That burning desire I have to serve is because of my pain and struggles. Keep praying for her and I will continue to pray for you both! I’m so sorry your heart is hurting. I understand my friend!
What a fabulous post! We can’t listen to those lies in our heads. So thankful that God is enough even when we aren’t.
Thank you Deanna! We can’t ever be enough without Him. We are blessed not to have to worry about that if we will just accept His love and grace.
Candace, I love this. While I don’t have “perfect mommy” since I am not a mom, I have “perfect employee/boss” that speaks to me. I hear that voice tell me, even after having done a remarkable job, that it wasn’t enough. Or I could have done more. Or that they don’t like the job I did. I’m not good enough. I never will be. Thank you for reminding me that Gods word is more powerful than that Voice!
Hi Veronica! I think we all have some role in our lives that we feel inadequate at fulfilling. I completely understand what you are saying! We have to learn to let God’s voice be the loudest of all, something I am still working on :).
Awesome message, as I grow older I see more and more that God has this all, and I have to trust he will care for all of my kids. We lay the foundation and turn them over to the Lord! And you know, my young adult kids will tell you I was not perfect, but they knew I loved them, and your kids do too! 🙂
Thank you! I love that song and video too! 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement Mary! They definitely know I love them. I just strive to “lay the foundation” as you said. That is the best we can do.
There is no perfect mommy….as long as we love our kids and do what we think is best is what counts. I am so with you on the many many hours…days.. spent worrying. We need to believe that things will work out. My kids chose not to follow the exact faith that I tried to raise them in…but I am proud of them both. That is enough for me. Great post!
“There is no perfect mommy” is my mantra these days 🙂 ! All of that worry is so unnecessary, but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. Thanks for the support, Raquel!
I think we all face that inner “perfect mommy” as we raise children. But you are exactly right, there is only one perfect parent. We have to give our children to Father God, and put them in the arms of Jesus. We cannot parent alone. Perfect Mommy will always be filling our minds with negative thoughts, but we have to replace them with hope in Jesus and that He will guide us as parents.
I completely agree with you Stephanie! We must put our “hope in Jesus.” Thank you for your encouraging words and for sharing the post on G+ :)!
I found your site from the Time Warp Wife link up and I can promise I will be back again. My son too has epilepsy and I too have taken dirty jeans out of the hamper for him to wear within the past week. I have banished the thought of perfect mommy from my mind (at least for this day) and I am going with the “doing the best I can at the very moment” mommy voice I hear in me. Thanks for the words of encouragement!
I’m so glad you found me Sandy! We will have to keep in touch and support each other! My son doesn’t know anyone else with epilepsy which makes it difficult for him to understand sometimes. I loved your adoption story! I tried to leave a comment but it wouldn’t work for me. I kept clicking on leave a response and nothing happened.