This week’s topic is incredibly difficult for me to share. We are to discuss a time we blew it and how God’s grace and mercy saved us. I have so very many of those times in my past (and present).
I really wanted to write about how I haven’t been inside my church building in over 3 weeks or how I accidently say words I shouldn’t in front of my children. Both of these are true, but I feel led to go deeper. To open up about one of my much darker secrets…
When my daughter was young, I was a heavy drinker. Not the kind that had too many glasses of wine during happy hour, but more of a liquor in my morning coffee cup type.
She was such a precious, innocent, platinum blonde angel. It pains me greatly to think about how absent I was during those years she needed a mommy to put her above all else. I may have been there physically, dropping her off and picking her up from daycare, making sure there was food on the table, and helping her get dressed every day. However, I was so far lost to addiction, basic needs were as much as I could give.
There were so many times I buckled her into her car seat and drove after far too much alcohol consumption. Her life was put in danger from the person who was supposed to be her greatest protector.
I try not to think about those days a third of my lifetime ago. I certainly don’t talk about them often. The only thing that makes those seemingly unforgiveable mistakes bearable is the grace of God.
I am so thankful for Renee Swope’s acronym for grace in A Confident Heart:
God’s
Riches
At
Christ’s
Expense
It’s so simple, yet completely life changing. This is what saves me. Jesus spared me from having to live the rest of my days with the immense pain of unforgiveness.
I can move on from those days. I allow myself to enjoy all of the precious moments I have had with my daughter for the past 14 sober years. I am not a prisoner of my past.
Let us then approach the throne of grace
with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and
find grace to help us in our time of need.
~Hebrews 4:16
I approach His throne daily with confidence, not the shame that consumed me before I received His mercy and found His grace.
I still have those moments when the tears flow and the guilt surfaces from those lost years, but they are fewer and farther between. His grace covers all…
I am sad this wonderful study has come to an end. I have learned so much from it. However, Made to Crave could not be coming at a better time. If you have been here before, you know I traded my other addictions for food issues so this is going to be another valuable study for me.
Awesome testimony of God’s grace. Thanks for sharing a time when you messed up with us. Because of God’s G.R.A.C.E. you can stand and boldly claim that God is #enough! Bless you and keep sharing deeply.
This is crazy Michelle! I clicked on your link from the blog hop this morning and left it open all day so I could watch your video when I got a chance. I finally just got a moment and watched it right before I came to reply to these comments, and here you are! We all mess up, but in sharing these mistakes, there is great healing for us and others! You keep sharing too. Hearing your emotion in your video tells me you have so much to offer!
Your honesty was beautiful. We all have a past that we are not proud of, but by the grace of God, we are forgiven and can move toward the future without beating ourselves up! Thank you for the reminder!
Thank you Veronica! I was really stressed after I posted this because I am not at all proud of those days. It ended up being pretty healing. I knew God wanted me to share it and I definitely knew better than to fight Him on it :)!
Oh my gosh, Candace, thank you for this beautiful piece…..as always, I come away from your blog richer.
Your daughter, by the way, is just adorable….
Thank you for the lovely email. Looking forward to staying in touch.
God bless
Chris
Thanks Chris! She is even cuter now if that is possible :). That picture was over 15 years ago! I made the mistake of going through pictures at 1am this morning after I wrote the post. It was very emotional, to say the least.
I’m looking forward to staying in touch with you too my friend!
Candace, another amazing blog. I love your willingness to share with others even the dark parts of your past. I can’t imagine how many women you have been able to touch with your words. And you are so right, God’s grace covers all! Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us!
Thank you so much Kim! I so appreciate your sweet support! I am missing your post this week. I know you stay so busy though. Between your chickens and job, I don’t know how you find time to do anything. Let’s keep in touch over the break!
Candace always an inspiration, much love great share. Today is what matters, yesterday was just a lesson xoxo
So many lessons :)! I agree, focus on today. That makes life so much easier. Thanks Mari!
Read this through tear filled eyes! Candace I so appreciate your willingness to be transparent & honest. I am so thankful for God’s grace & mercy. Where would we be without it?
I don’t know where I would be! I shudder to think about it. This has been such a wonderful study and I have so enjoyed your leadership. Thanks for all you do!
Candace,
I too was absent from many of my children’s younger years, not because of addiction, but because of illness. (probably with similar results though). As God has healed me, I have been more present, but it’s still soon enough that I struggle with the disappointment of missing so much of my children’s growing up. I continually remind myself that he will give me back the years the locusts have eaten, and I see God doing that; but sometimes still it overwhelms me…
Thank you for sharing your story with me Christine! It can get overwhelming no matter how far along we are in our healing. I really struggled with those lost years last night as I wrote this and poured through pictures of her childhood. I too look forward to getting back those years “the locusts have eaten.” I love that phrase!
Your honesty is beautiful and so are you. So often we don’t learn from our past and we make excuses. You are a wonderful, Godly woman who has embraced her past and used it to make a better future. God is great and he will continue to guide you to give to your loved ones.
Thank you for your incredibly sweet comment, Stacie! I feel so blessed to finally be using my past in a positive, helpful way. It has taken a long time to get here :).
I join the other commenters in thanking you for sharing this heartfelt message from within deep into your soul. When we articulate our pain, either in writing or through the spoken word, we speed up the healing process. The Lord is providing you with what you need, books, teachers, this blog, so your soul can be finally free with the freedom that only He can offer. We all carry our regrets … being a parent is the most difficult job in the entire world! and the only way we can do this is by staying on our knees and by tuning into the Holy Spirit. The Lord has great plans for you! Your daughter will be proud of her Mother, the overcomer, who through the power of the GREAT Overcomer, was able to be victorious after her time dwelling at the bottom of the pit. What a wonderful example of what faith can do! You are God’s beloved…and we, your readers, love you too 🙂
You are always so incredibly encouraging Gisela! Thank you! You have put a smile on my face tonight. I hope that my daughter can be proud of me and I will be a good example for her. I have been pretty honest with her about what I have overcome in hopes of her avoiding that same path. I believe addiction has a definite genetic component. I greatly appreciate your sweet words!
One of the main reasons I follow your blog is your honesty and your sharing about your addiction. I took pain pills for many years while raising my kids. I know it harmed them even though I was there physically, I fed them etc. I relapsed many times because I just couldn’t quite forgive myself. I’m sad those years are forever gone, yet grateful I’m here for them today clean and sober. I also find it healing to share my stories with moms who r currently struggling with an addiction as it offers hope that they too can change. I was too ashamed to tell others for a long time, but now I know God calls me to share. I look back at old pictures and my heart breaks because I know I was high!! I wanted nothing more than to n a good mother, and failed! Please keep sharing your experience strength and hope with us!! Blessings
Thank you so much for sharing your story of addiction with me Gail! You are so right in that we are called to share. I truly believe that is the reason I suffered all of those years, so I could completely relate to those struggling today. The guilt and not forgiving ourselves will make us relapse every time! If for that reason alone, I really try to fight those feelings even though they still surface sometimes. Blessings to you. I’m so thankful you are along with me on this ride :)!
Sending encouragement to you today!!:) All of us have scars of pain and regret. Just be grateful you aren’t on the old path by God’s grace, and yes, it does cover us all. 🙂
I am so grateful Heather! I can’t even imagine if I was still on that path. I am fairly certain I would not be alive today. As you said, our pain and regret are scars, but His grace helps us to heal one day at a time!
Thank you for your words and Hebrews 4:16.
I need his mercy and his grace. I just need him period. I need to abide in him. Help me Lord to have the human touch from you, keep your hand upon me and help me to grow more in you. Praises to you Father in heaven for your wonderful son that you sent for us. Thank you so much for your wonderous love and caring. Thank you that you never leave us or forsake us. Take my hand and help me on my walk with you. In Jesus name amen.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful prayer, Merry. I am loving Hebrews 4:16 these days! A Confident Heart has helped me tremendously in approaching the throne with confidence. So glad you stopped by!
As always wonderful blog filled with honesty. Thank you for sharing and I love God’s grace don’t now where I would be without it. Thank you for the reminder. God Bless!
It is beautiful that we don’t ever have to live a day without His grace once we choose to accept it! Blessings to you, Camille!
Thank you Candace. Although I have not been addicted to drugs or alcohol, I can identify with you about being absent in your daughter’s life. I was immature and selfish when my daughter was growing up, so I didn’t provide her with the security and nurturing that a mother should provide for their children (especially their daughters). I was there for all the physical activities, but not for the emotional or spiritual support that she so desperately needed from me. My relationship with my daughter can be described as the song “Cats in the Cradle”. I love her so very much, and I know she loves me, but she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to be about her life. She had to fend for herself in the world of the wolves, who swallowed her up. She’s in a hard place right now, and is hurting. She lives across country from me and feels so all alone. I live with a lot of guilt. I know that God has forgiven me, but the enemy has kept me in bondage over this all these years. I still have such a hard time forgiving myself. Thank you!
I am so sorry to hear you daughter is hurting right now. I can’t imagine what you are going through! I am with you on that song. I completely understand! Bondage is a hard thing to break free of but we must do it. We can be the moms today that we weren’t able to be back then. No matter how old they are, they will always need us. I know it must be hard with her living so far away. My daughter recently moved home and it is nice to have her back. I hope you can find a way to spend some time with her. Don’t give up. Phone calls can go a long way, even if it is just a quick chat to tell her you love her and are there for her. I’m really glad you are here. I will pray for you and your daughter!
Thank you for your honesty. Congrats on 14 sober years! God is good!
Thank you Jennifer! Yes He is. I am very blessed to have so many years of sobriety. It still surprises me sometimes when I see the number :).
This is a beautiful testimony. It is so true that as I look back over my past, I am so grateful for His grace which has covered so much. I am sure this post will help many. Bless you for sharing it with such transparency! Blessings, Joanne
Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Joanne. I truly hope it will help others. There are so many still out there lost.
You are a testimony for others, you are God’s blessing and instant hope to any man woman or child going through addiction. Your stories are based on a true story and there is no other hope then reading one such as yours. God bless.
Thanks for the beautiful encouragement, Camii! Blessings to you too, my friend!