This week’s topic is incredibly difficult for me to share. We are to discuss a time we blew it and how God’s grace and mercy saved us. I have so very many of those times in my past (and present).
I really wanted to write about how I haven’t been inside my church building in over 3 weeks or how I accidently say words I shouldn’t in front of my children. Both of these are true, but I feel led to go deeper. To open up about one of my much darker secrets…
When my daughter was young, I was a heavy drinker. Not the kind that had too many glasses of wine during happy hour, but more of a liquor in my morning coffee cup type.
She was such a precious, innocent, platinum blonde angel. It pains me greatly to think about how absent I was during those years she needed a mommy to put her above all else. I may have been there physically, dropping her off and picking her up from daycare, making sure there was food on the table, and helping her get dressed every day. However, I was so far lost to addiction, basic needs were as much as I could give.
There were so many times I buckled her into her car seat and drove after far too much alcohol consumption. Her life was put in danger from the person who was supposed to be her greatest protector.
I try not to think about those days a third of my lifetime ago. I certainly don’t talk about them often. The only thing that makes those seemingly unforgiveable mistakes bearable is the grace of God.
I am so thankful for Renee Swope’s acronym for grace in A Confident Heart:
It’s so simple, yet completely life changing. This is what saves me. Jesus spared me from having to live the rest of my days with the immense pain of unforgiveness.
I can move on from those days. I allow myself to enjoy all of the precious moments I have had with my daughter for the past 14 sober years. I am not a prisoner of my past.
Let us then approach the throne of grace
with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and
find grace to help us in our time of need.
I approach His throne daily with confidence, not the shame that consumed me before I received His mercy and found His grace.
I still have those moments when the tears flow and the guilt surfaces from those lost years, but they are fewer and farther between. His grace covers all…
I am sad this wonderful study has come to an end. I have learned so much from it. However, Made to Crave could not be coming at a better time. If you have been here before, you know I traded my other addictions for food issues so this is going to be another valuable study for me.