I failed. Again…
Over the last 11 years, I have gained and lost the same 80 pounds far too many times. I gained over 100 when I got pregnant with my son. I’m fairly certain by the time they are in 5th grade you can no longer label it “baby weight.”
After my 31 Days to Food Addiction Recovery series concluded, I thought I would take a couple of days off from my food plan. I would eat a little Halloween candy, have a few unrestrained meals out, and get right back on my program that I had so successfully followed for 31 days.
Here I sit, 13 days later feeling incredibly broken, unable to rein myself back in. It is as if I have been forever labeled a failure with red marker…
I completely agree with Renee Swope’s thoughts in A Confident Heart:
“The enemy will whisper to us that we ‘deserve’ that chocolate cake. He’ll remind us how we’ve had a stressful week and made so many sacrifices. He’ll then convince us that ‘surely one piece won’t hurt.’”
Well friends, he lied to me. That one piece of candy did hurt. It led to 13 days of complete gluttonous gorging on all things that clog our arteries. He persuaded me I had sacrificed for those 31 days and deserved a break. What I deserved was to continue my healthy lifestyle in order to feel up to serving God in the capacity He is so worthy of. Satan clearly does not want that happening. He wants us tired, weak, and our minds focused far away from the Spirit.
Those who live according to the flesh
have their minds set on what the flesh desires;
but those who live in accordance with the Spirit
have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
~Romans 8:5
My mind is set on food. It is my constant desire and companion. Somehow I must shift from my obsession of pleasing my flesh to living in the Spirit. It is possible. This I know. He brought me through those 31 days abstaining from sugar, flour, and wheat. I was already feeling healthier, happier, and whole.
I must allow myself forgiveness.
I can accept it from God and grace myself with it.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
~Romans 8:1
I am absolutely not condemned to a life of sugar-fueled days. I am not destined to years of exhaustion from my food choices and lack of exercise. I am not defined by the number I see on the scale every morning. I AM NOT a failure.
I am in Christ Jesus! Therefore, I can get back up, dust off those candy wrappers from my lap, and move forward with renewed hope and strength…
I truly, truly relate to this. Just today, I felt the same ” you deserve it” with a jar of nut butter that I NEVER buy because it was a binge food for me for years after never having it during anorexia. I binged on it so much I could just cry thinking about it. After recovering for 2 years since then, I’ve abstained out of fear, which I didn’t think was healthy. I have always chosen to forgo gluten, sugar, and flour, and have done so for 10 years now, so I convinced myself the nut butter was a healthy food that I could start eating again, out of fear. Well, that proved me wrong today. Just like sugar, it’s an addiction for me. One spoonful out of the jar led to 5 before I threw it away. That’s what I HAD to do to get rid of it, and I forgave myself immediately after. God showed me I don’t deserve to feel out of control with any food, but to instead, know which ones serve me and which ones don’t. Thank you for sharing this. Would you mind if I shared your blog with my readers this coming Friday on my blog The Soulful Spoon? I truly love it.
Thank you so much for sharing this Heather! We food addicts can binge on all kinds of different foods that so many other people have no problem with. Today is a new day and you have come so incredibly far. I find encouragement from you and your site. Please feel free to share my blog. I would greatly appreciate it! I hope 10 years from now I can say as you have, I’ve abstained from sugar, flour, and wheat all those years! Very impressive my friend.
Thank you for you honesty. I have battled this same issue for many years. Even after counseling and so many books, I still come right back to it always feeling like I failed again. Hiding it made me feel like I was the only one, made me feel shame. This study has pushed me to really look deep and see what the real issues are and fix them. I want to be whole so I can be who He created me to be.
I have tried counseling and SO many books too Cheryl! I feel your pain. We can do this! The next study is Made to Crave and will be wonderful for those of us with food issues. We deserve to be whole!
I love your honesty & I completely understand. I’ve done that, I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there. In the middle of my weight loss story. You’ve caught yourself early, good job. #MovingForward
Thanks Stela! It never ceases to amaze me how many of us deal with this same issue. Food is the acceptable addiction. Good luck with your weight loss. Let’s continue to support each other!
Candace, once again you’ve rocked the blog! This one touches me deeply because like I told you I struggle with the food thing too! I’m like you & lost the same pounds too many times to count. Then in 2009 I lost it & have actually managed to maintain it. From my heaviest to what I lost in 2009 I lost about 100 lbs. Losing was never my problem it was always maintaining so the fact that I did maintain 4 yrs has been a huge accomplishment for me. However my problem lately has been that just like you my mind is set on food & the enemy keeps telling me that stupid stuff like I deserve it, one won’t hurt, I can get back on track tomorrow & on & on! I feel so out of control & have a real fear of just gaining all the weight back. Something that I keep thinking about is how quick I am to refrain from the things I consider sin for myself because I don’t want to grieve my Heavenly Father so why can’t I see this for the sin it is? Reading your blog has gave me that hope that I can do this with strength from my God & I can be victorious over this! Thank you so much for your wonderful words.
Tonya- I appreciate you on so many levels my friend! Maintaining for 4 years is amazing! I’m so glad you found some hope here. You give me that daily in our small group! Just keep remembering how far you have come. God will continue to provide the strength.
As always a great fan of your honesty and openness. Great share!! I am one of your cheerleaders on the side 🙂 #IAMNOT all the way!!!
I love your cheers and support Mari! Thanks so much!
Amen girl! I am ready to Made to Crave with you now!
I loved this ” I am absolutely not condemned to a life of sugar-fueled days. I am not destined to years of exhaustion from my food choices and lack of exercise. I am not defined by the number I see on the scale every morning. I AM NOT a failure.”
I am ready for it too Melissa! We are almost there. It couldn’t come fast enough right behind the holiday season!!
I read this last night and shook my head lol because it touched home. So I have been working out without fail for the past 6 months watching what I eat and learning to eat right instead of the so called diets. BUT every night around 7:30 I have my cravings for a Hershey’s Cookies n Cream chocolate. OMG its a must have every single night. I have tried to stay away from it from every night I have some excuse why its ok to eat it. Knowing very well all I am doing is making excuses to eat the darn thing. However your post had me thinking and there is a change of thought process that has to be made. Much needed post for me to kick that habit.
Good luck my friend! Maybe you could get the mini bars to wean off. I know I just have to go cold turkey but a lot of people don’t. Always great to see you Camii! Let me know how it goes.
I’m so glad I found your site, I too am struggling with food addiction and you are an inspiration. Thank you!
I’m so happy to have you here Kathy! I hope you can find some encouragement. Let me know if there is anything I can do to support you!
Yes, when I get stressed with grandson I want to eat. I can’t find what I want so I just keep trying different things to see if that is what I want. Guess I should be looking in the bible instead of the pantry. God bless you, keep trying. I eat when I am bored, have a headache, mad, etc. Thanks for sharing
I feel for you and your family Cathy! I will continue praying for you all. What a tough situation! Food is so easy to turn to but I completely agree with you, we should be turning to God and the bible instead. Thanks for visiting!
Again, I LOVE your blog! You’re right, you AREN’T a failure! I like how the earlier comment pointed out that you caught it early! I, for one, am glad that Made to Crave is the next study. The sweets are calling and the Holiday goodies are, too, and I can already see myself indulging. I’ve done the up and down thing with around 30 lb’s for years but when you are only 5’3″, that 30 lb’s is pretty depressing. We all shall do this together!! So glad, also, that our small group is together and Tonya is a great leader! Glad to have found you, my friend! 🙂
Hi Kim! I love our small group and hope we get to stay together for Made to Crave! I am only 2 inches taller than you but definitely wider :). We will work on this together! Thanks so much for your sweet encouragement my friend. I’m so glad we have connected too!
You are an inspiration and moving forward with renewed hope is a statement we can all benefit by and I thank you for your openness ..
Blessings to you Candace… 🙂
Thanks Lynn! Hope is something I truly believe we can’t live without. I really appreciate your thoughtful words. Blessings to you as well!
Loved your blog, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!!!! I too am one that has trouble with food, I got heart failure and started swelling with water, and I used that as an excuse to eat what I wanted all I had to say was I was swelling again but I knew I was eating way to much I knew it but kept eating anyway, my husband would always say stuff like hey leave some for others, or you gonna eat all that?, I knew he was being sarcastic but then when I got the disease I had an excuse that I could blame it on. Now that I had my heart attack and enlarged heart I have 3 diets I have to go by, sometimes it is so hard when I crave all the good foods.
When I read your blog this really stood out and I love this ” I am absolutely not condemned to a life of sugar-fueled days. I am not destined to years of exhaustion from my food choices and lack of exercise. I am not defined by the number I see on the scale every morning. I AM NOT a failure.” Thank you I really need this as I too am not a failure 🙂 You are an inspiration…
You are absolutely not a failure Jeanie! It sounds like you have been through so much! Take care of yourself. I know it is hard, believe me, I do. Thanks for sharing your story! It is nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle, although I wish no one else had to suffer from these difficult food issues.
I was working out at the gym five days a week for a few months, but then my family came to visit and I didn’t have time to go that week. The very next week I got sick. Now, it’s been four weeks and I still haven’t got back to the gym. It really is hard to keep up a routine when you take even the slightest break. Thanks for being honest about your struggle. I hope you can get back with it. I plan to hit the gym Monday!
I so agree with you Tiffany! It is amazing no matter how long you have been doing something faithfully, veering from your routine can destroy your momentum. Good for you going back to the gym Monday! I’m going to do some meal planning this weekend to get back on track!
I love this post! It is so strong and in a way unconventional how you relate eating habits to the word of God. that is why I LOVE it!
Stopping by from Sorry Not Social 🙂
Thanks so much for your sweet comment Gee! I love your name :). So glad you stopped by!
I feel your pain. I have been gaining weight too and trying to eat heatly, exercise and my body is just not cooperating! I am still keeping with the program and hope it is hormone related. Sorry to hear of your struggle, but know you are not alone.
I am with you on the hormone issues Raquel! Sometimes no matter what we do, our bodies aren’t responding. Don’t give up. Thanks for your encouragement!
So glad I read this post. I totally understand your struggle to eat right and not fall back into unhealthy eating. I’m currently trying to overcome my sugar and gluten addiction. I say addiction because it’s so hard not to eat these foods. Even when I know the result is me not feeling my best when I do. Thanks for all the “I AM NOT” statements.
I am working on cutting out sugar and gluten also Sonya! I did it for 31 days for my blog series but went off November 1st and haven’t been able to return to abstinence. It’s driving me crazy right now. Check out my 31 Days link in this post. It has some great resources. I’m determined to get back on the plan before the holidays!
I just got through reading some of the links in your 31 Days post and I’m going to try the ice cream recipe and I also want to start drinking more green smoothies.
The green smoothies really help a lot with sugar cravings. I need to start back drinking them every morning. It’s a great way to start the day!
Wow….this post brought me to tears. Sometimes I feel so alone in this struggle..and so weak. Your words have reminded me that I am neither of those things. I have saved marked this post so I will be able to return to it. Made to Crave Bible Study gave me a chance to find your Blog..and what a blessing. Your posts are truly incredible-raw, authentic, and the words of my heart (and so many sisters around the world). Thank you so much for sharing your journey. God is truly working through you!
Thank you so much for your incredibly sweet comment, Lindsey! I’m really glad you found me and I look forward to getting to know you better. I love the Made to Crave study so far even though I’m really struggling with making healthy choices. I have been staying away from sugar so I’m going to delight in that for awhile :). I hope you are enjoying the study as well. Keep in touch!