A letter to my perfectionist 13-year-old son while he comes to grips with his first B…
To my precious boy,
I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled I am to see that very first B on your report card. It broke your perfect A streak and brought so many important lessons with it. As you can easily see, the world is still turning. Your mom, dad, and sister still adore you with all of our being. Teachers still respect you. Life is pretty much unchanged.
You worried for so long about making sure every line on that very non-defining piece of paper contained an A. I’ve watched with concern for years as you tried to make every paper, test, and simple homework assignment into a perfect representation. Just a few nights ago, I had to drag you from the computer as you attempted a college level memoir for what was meant to be a basic 7th grade in-class essay.
This B marks the end of an era, my love. It designates the moment you will start to look elsewhere for who you are and what you want to become. Please let me help you with this by sharing what I know to be true about you.
You are the kindest soul I’ve ever known. I’ll never forget when you jumped in my car after school last week, smiling with your whole handsome face, and told me about how you stood up for that poor boy who was being bullied. While everyone else either stood and watched or joined in, you went against the crowd, as you so often bravely do, and let that deserving boy know somebody cared. Because of you, he most likely felt understood and safe.
Your heart is so huge I fear at times it will burst from your chest. The love you show our family is beautifully overwhelming. When one of us is down, it becomes your mission to lift our spirits. You are the first to spring forward with tremendously thoughtful words or those long, comforting cuddles we’ve all grown to love so much.
I need you to hear this more than anything else. You will always be perfect in God’s eyes and His are the only ones that truly matter. I’m incredibly proud of the faithful young man you are becoming. Daddy and I couldn’t ask for a greater gift than for you to follow hard after Christ.
You will make mistakes. There is no question in that. But here’s the honest truth: you are forgiven, no matter what. You don’t have to prove yourself perfect for that gift. It was freely given to us by a man on a cross long ago and far away.
So, let this B allow you to move forward, my sweet, imperfect son. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Your family and friends love you immeasurably just the way you are.
All my love and respect,
Mommy
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13
I didn’t get my first “B” until College and I WISH I would have gotten one before! How wonderful that you can speak love and truth into your son at this time!
Wow, that’s amazing, Susannah! I get what you’re saying though about wishing it would have been earlier. I’m excited my son can just move forward with a little more peace now :).
Oh, he’s a cutie, Candace! I wonder if I wrote these kind of love-letters to my girls when they were that age and if I did, where they might be stored 20+ years later!
I did save the emails they sent when they were in college. Someday I’ll pull them out and see who they were then … because I so admire who they are now.
Thank you, Linda! I love the idea of saving those emails. I may have to copy that tip, my friend :). My son smiled big when I showed him this last night.
Love this! I too have a perfectionist son, and it is so hard getting him to realize that it is ok to make mistakes and the world isn’t going to end! So glad I found you on the Thoughtful Thursday link-up.
Yes, Miranda! It’s amazing how they seriously think these things will stop the world from spinning. I feel your pain :). It’s great to meet you today!
Oh Candace what a sweet, heartfelt letter. Kudos to you Mommy for no trying to “fix” this for him and badger the teacher so he keeps his winning streak. The loving mother eatablishes realistic life expectations and we won’t always bat 1000. Oh how I pray he grants himself some grace. Sometimes our perfectionist kids can be so hard on themselves. I had one of mine cry for 2 days because she got an 85% on a spelling test. What a beautiful teaching moment here.
Grace is something I’m trying hard to teach him about right now, Tyra. It’s actually something I’m still working on too :). How sad to hear about your little one and that 2 day cry. I get it, my friend. I truly do.
This made me cry. So beautifully said. I love him and you.
Thanks, Nana! We love you too ;).
I was never a great student, but my parents encouraged me to keep working hard to get passing grades. I think that the kids need to put the effort into their school work. Parents should not being doing this effort for them. Way to go for you mama for letting your kiddo fix this on his own.
I really feel sorry for some teachers today, Charlene. Too many parents try to blame them for their children’s grades, issues… Kids have to step up and learn responsibility sooner or later.
Hi Candace! You are such a good mom, it makes me so happy. All that perfectionism is hard, but I can’t help admire your son’s desire to do his absolute best. We should all be like that. But when we do our best, and it isn’t enough, that’s when we need our mom to tell us that we’re fine. We’re more than fine, we’re wonderful!
I know your steady, faithful hand will continue to raise a wonderful boy. Blessings to you and your family!
Ceil
Thanks so much for your sweet words of encouragement, Ceil. Parenting is incredibly hard, but so very worth it. He is a special boy :). Blessings to you and yours as well!
Awww, this is just lovely. How sweet.
There are many lessons to be learned in less than perfect grades and I adore the perspective you’ve shared here.
What a blessing you are to your children.
Thanks for sharing and linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.
Wishing you a lovely day.
xoxo
Thank you, Jennifer! He did remarkably better than I would have thought when he found out about the B. Kids are so different. My daughter used to say as long as she was getting C’s, that meant she is average and doing ok :). Wishing you a wonderful day as well!
This brings tears to my eyes, Candace, especially the part where your son stood up for someone who is bullied. What a loving, nurturing mom you are! Perfectionism can be so hard on a person. But what a blessing for your son to have parents who remind him we imperfect ones can be made perfect in Christ Jesus. Thank you for sharing this! Blessings and hugs to you and your family!
I’m so proud of his bravery in that area, Trudy. He loves the underdogs. Blessings to you and yours as well, my friend.
You are such a lovely, nurturing mum Candace! And what a kind soul is your handsome son! 🙂 I was a perfectionist when I was a child and am struggling with it as an adult now. I didn’t have a chance to hear these sweet words of comfort from my parents at that time, to remind me that I am loved regardless of my efforts and achievements. Now I am practising it to be free and peaceful.
Good on you and your brave son. You are amazing. God bless. xx
Thanks for your always sweet encouragement, Naz! I still struggle with perfectionism a great deal too. I was raised by a perfectionist mom and it came to me very naturally :). I’ve come a long way in recent years but still have issues in this area. Praying for you to break free from it’s grip, my friend. I know how crippling it can be. XO!
What a gift you just gave your son by writing this letter. He will remember this and treasure it because every word was from the deepest part of your heart which loves him unconditionally. This is the kind of letter that all parents should write for their children to remind them who they are and that with God they will always be perfect and loved. Thank you for the blessing of these words today.
He loved it, Mary. I was so excited to show it to him. He’s truly a gift to me, our family, and the world :). I know you can fully understand the precious love of a son. I need to be telling myself some of these words as well while I struggle with putting that proposal together for next week. It’s almost here! I can’t wait to see you, my friend.
My fourth grader just got his first straight As report card. He really appreciates it because of all those Bs!
That’s great, Kristy! I’m so happy for him :). I bet he was excited to see that for the first time. That really makes it special.
Candace, what a beautiful gift to your son by writing this letter to him. You made me cry! I love your family, thanks for sharing!
Our family loves you, my dear friend. I’m so sorry to make you cry! I shed a few tears myself writing it :).
Awww…your son sounds like a really sweet kid. That says a lot about you as a mother. This was such a wonderful post to read, because we all sometimes struggle with perfection. This is such a great reminder that God doesn’t expect perfection from us.
He is a really good boy, Sonya. It honestly blows me away sometimes. I can’t take credit though. He’s really a lot more like his dad :).
Oh Candace.. how I love this letter and this message to your son! Guess what my friend? I will be sending that kind of letter to my girl soon too… as she got her first- F on a test and she was devastated!! She is a straight A student… she has been working her tale off to keep her B… and stretch hard to regain that A.
Like you- I want her to learn that B’s are never a measure of her worth, nor A’s or F’s…
I have an incredible story about this very thing- I’ll write about it sometime.
Your boy is SO loved.. and I’m so glad he has YOU as his mama to show him just how much.
I’m so sorry to hear about your adorable little girl’s devastation, Chris! It’s amazing how serious they can get about grades. My daughter didn’t worry about hers much and she turned out pretty fantastic anyway :). I can’t wait to read your story. I always love the way you string words together, my friend!
Beautiful Candace!
I am sure your son will find lots of encouragement and lessons in this letter.As sweet as this is, this letter contains words that would help us even as adults.
Much Love Candace.
God Bless
Thank you, Ifeoma! I could honestly use some of this advice as well :). My son has definitely learned his perfectionism from me. Much love and many blessings to you!
What a beautiful post, Candace! Your boy is blessed to have such a supportive mother. Thanks for linking up to Testimony Tuesday.
Thanks so much for your sweet words and always inspiring linkup, Holly! I’m really looking forward to meeting you this week at Allume :).
Thanks for sharing this, Candace. What a lovely letter. Timely for me since my son is facing his first mid-terms at college and is SICK! Also, my daughter got an 88 on a paper for an on-line class last week and was so bummed. I was thrilled because she’s dyslexic and I know how challenging the course is. So this is a good reminder to keep encouraging, keep affirming. (I got my first B in high school, and my mom was less than pleased. I never forget it. Your message is important.)
Prayers for your son’s healing, Betsy! What awful timing. I’m glad you were able encourage your daughter on her 88. Kids don’t always understand that more challenging classes may result in a little bit lower grade and that’s perfectly OK. Even though we already knew his grades, we got my son’s actual report card in the mail today. Many of his teachers had written “Pleasure to have in class.” I told him that was far more important than the letters beside those comments.
I used to stress about grades, too, but letting go of perfection is an important lesson. He’s lucky to have such a supportive mom 🙂
Thank you, Akaleistar! I’m very lucky to have him :). I never worried about grades so this is so new to me. He handled his B beautifully though!
I’ve needed letters like this many times in my life. He’s blessed to have you. Thanks for linking up at #ThreeWordWednesday.
I could have used these letters a few times as well, Kristin. Not about grades, but over several other topics :). Thanks for the party and visit, my friend. I hope your newest addition is continuing to thrive!
I have a perfectionist teen as well and worry about her.. She got sick earlier this school year and broke a several year perfect attendance streak by missing a half day and she was distraught. I am proud that she is so responsible with her work and her showing up but it was time for a talk about the value of quality of life as well.
A several year perfect attendance streak is amazing, Anne! That’s not something either of my kids stood a chance with :). She should be proud of how far she made it. I hope she isn’t too broken hearted about her illness breaking that. I’m glad you were able to turn it into a quality of life lesson. Those can be hard but so incredibly important. We have them around here every once in a while as well!