Less than a month ago, I scrolled my Facebook feed as I too often do first thing in the morning. I’ve always used this time as a quick, easy way to slowly enter a waking state. This particular day’s news in that usually light hearted feed was anything but easy.
A dear friend from long ago had committed suicide the night before. You know those people you don’t see for an unbelievable amount of years, but they stay tightly wrapped in your heart. He was one of those.
We were best friends living in the fun and wild city of Los Angeles in our early 20’s. His infectious laugh and love of life made me adore him more than I had ever come close with another man before. Eventually he moved away, back to his hometown, and soon after that we lost touch.
I thought of him often over the years, wondering how he was doing. Every once in a while I would receive a phone call from him, but thanks to my overwhelming addictions at the time, reconnection was impossible.
Thankfully with several years of sobriety under my belt, we found each other again through Facebook. After many messages reliving days long gone, he asked me to meet him in LA again to revisit some of our old favorite spots. I said no as life was busy and I knew we had plenty of time for that reconnection vacation when things slowed down for me a bit.
That is one of the few noes I will forever regret. Seeing his beautiful face and hearing that incredible laugh is now only in my memories. The possibility of helping him through whatever made him choose to end his life is gone.
The pain of learning about his suicide sent me into a month of busyness. I went away for the dōTERRA convention a few days after that horrifying morning of Facebook scrolling. When I returned, I went out of town with a friend to support her in a difficult loss of her own. Once home, I threw myself into work, spending up to 12 hours a day at my computer.
A few days ago, I woke up sick. By 4pm the next day, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, I realized this sudden onset of illness was pure divine intervention. You know those times we just keep going when He knows what’s better for us? This was definitely one of those times.
It is time for me to grieve. My daughter had just left for her far away home right before I learned of my sweet friend’s death. Those two incredibly difficult life events were eating away at me deep inside while I just kept going. Avoiding. Trying to move forward without dealing with the pain.
I do this often. But my sick body and exhausted mind has reminded me of something I think we all forget. We must stop and take time to grieve. Whether you are dealing with a child moving way too far from home, the loss of someone you love deeply, or anything else that must be grieved, please take the time to heal.
I’ve never been a fan of the words “time heals all wounds.” I can’t say I agree with that. Time definitely takes the edge off, but for those of us who have suffered greatly, we know a small part of us may never return in full.
So that’s what I’m waiting on. Time to take the edge off that intense pain. I’ve cleared my calendar through October of anything non-urgent. Time with my husband and son falls in the urgent category. Business related tasks to fund travel expenses to visit my daughter—urgent. Writing to help process life—urgent.
Anything else can wait. If it’s time for you to grieve as well, think of what is most important for a little while and let everything else step to the side. Those tasks will be there when you are ready to return…
One of my favorite verses:
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (NLT, emphasis added)
We only have a certain number of hours in this world, let’s use them wisely. That doesn’t mean filling every minute with productivity. Maybe this exact moment is for us to grieve and cry or it could be for dancing and laughing. Whatever today holds for you, I pray you find peace in the journey.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Candace. Made even worse by the manner of death and your guilt feelings. Please allow yourself grace, ok? It’s ok to say “no” to a friend when your family keeps you busy. As you write, they are in the urgent category. Wise words here. It’s something how God stops us, isn’t it? In one way or another when He knows we need to grieve. I’m not a fan of “Time heals all wounds” either. I pray God will give you health and help you to grieve and heal. Blessings and hugs!
Thank you for your prayers, Trudy. It’s so nice to see you, my sweet friend :). I’m definitely learning to allow myself grace these days. Blessings and hugs to you!
Sweet Candace I’m praying for you. Grieve is a process and the process is not easy. Just yesterday I sat looking at the scrapbook I made about my mom. She passed away when I was 18. But you know what? 25 years later it still hurts. And just yesterday I thought of the phrase “time heals all wounds” and I concur with you that I think it’s warped theology. I will say God does envelope us in His loving arms when we are grieving. Peace and grace to you friend.
Losing your mom at 18 must have been incredibly difficult, Tyra. I love that you made a scrapbook about her. I need to do that for my daughter of her dad. Yes, God does thankfully hold us tight. I’m forever grateful for that fact. Thanks for the prayers, my friend.
I agree that the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not accurate or even biblical. I am grateful that God has healed my wounds through the grieving process. Praying God’s healing power for you, Candace.
You are so right that it’s not even biblical, Sarah. I never thought of it that way. Thanks for the revelation and your prayers :)!
Oh Candace – my heart is bursting with empathy, sympathy and all those things sister’s want to do, be when the other is hurting. Such sadness deserves your intense month of soul-care. I love you, friend.
Thank you for your sweet, comforting words, Susan. I love you too, my friend!
Amen friend! My heart is hurting for you but taking the time to step back and allow yourself to grieve is so important. It seems we have a lot of catching up to do.
Please know I am praying for you as you allow yourself time to heal, reflect and just be. I pray God is ever present in all moments. I miss you and love you!
We have SO much catching up to do, Mary :). Thank you for the prayers, friend. I love and miss you too!
Excellent. Will share Candace
Thanks so much, Sue!
Grief is such a terrible thing to go through. Seems the older I get, the more grief in my life. But, I have learned, through God, that grief is good. I recently lost someone in my life too. Broke my heart to see someone try to combat cancer for over 10 years. But, knowing, he is in no more pain and in heaven, I can smile and remember the good times. I still grieve over my dad. But in a good way and what he brought to my life.
Hang in there sister. Cry your heart out over your losses. Give your pain to God. Remember and love again.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Tammy. I can’t imagine having to watch him suffer and fight for 10 years. As you said though, he is now in no more pain which can be quite comforting. Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement, my friend!
Thank you for your heartfelt honesty Candace. I’m sorry to read about your dear friend. I cannot imagine that pain. Thankfully you are a child of the Great Healer. He will bind up your wounds and strengthen your heart. Trust God’s wisdom and His perfect timing for your future plans. He will empower you to do His will. Prayers for you and your family friend. Be well and God bless.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement, Horace. They are both much appreciated. Blessings to you as well!
OH Candace, I am so heartbroken for you. What a tragic loss!
What you described in how you handled the news is SO common for many. Naturally, we don’t want to feel those powerful feelings, think of those devastating thoughts- so we busy ourselves to guard out hearts from more hurt.
Never works. It will always catch up with us.
Good for YOU to set those limits and allow yourself to experience the hard grieving process, my friend.
I am just so sorry you have to.
Thank you, Chris. It’s been a difficult season. I always love to see you though, my friend :).
Hi Candace, I am praying for you right now – for God to wrap His loving arms around you. You are wise to pour yourself into your “urgent things.”
Thanks so much for your encouraging words and prayers, Alyson. It’s been really nice to let go of my to-do list obsession for a while :).
I am so very sorry. Yes grieving is a part of life, but I am so sorry for you, your friend and the affected family members. Hugs as you go through this process.
Grieving is definitely no fun but so necessary at times like this, Jen. Thanks for your sweet concern, my friend. Hugs to you!
“I’ve never been a fan of the words “time heals all wounds.” I can’t say I agree with that. Time definitely takes the edge off, but for those of us who have suffered greatly, we know a small part of us may never return in full”.
I get it. I am not a fan of platitudes anyway. But if this were true we would’ve all healed from childhood abuses by now. Stress actually accumulates as his death may have been the proverbial straw for you. As the deeper the loss the more things it tends to bring up.
In that physically your adrenals were tired and through his death you were given a reminder of how short life can be.
We lost our son 7 years ago. I was in so much pain I couldn’t do the unnecessary even if I tried. And quite frankly it was kind of freeing. I didn’t realize how my life needed some pruning.
However…it does take time TO heal. There is no script for this and I find the people that give there selves the gift of grief do much better in the long run.
Much love and prayers to you Candace. Your message is beautiful, practical and lifesustaining,
Emily
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom here, Emily. I can not begin to understand the incredible pain you must have suffered in the loss of your precious son. So much love and prayers to you as well. You are so right in there is no script for this. We must just find our way and give ourselves the time and space to be ready to start again. I’m finding freedom in the pruning as well. I can completely relate to your words on this :).