I sat crying while he packed his belongings into brown cardboard boxes. He didn’t say a word. I whispered, “Don’t ever forget me.”
It was the only time I ever saw my dad cry. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to convince me my fears were unwarranted. They weren’t. He quickly forgot all about me…
That day marked my first broken heart. I was only 12 years old.
My dad would take us to dinner over the years, but not often. I probably saw his face once every 4-5 months. He quickly remarried and started a new life. One that didn’t involve children or past responsibilities.
Eventually the visits became fewer and farther between. We haven’t spoken in over eight years.
There have been so many times in my life where his abandonment nearly destroyed me. Drugs, alcohol, and men (far older than they should have been) quickly replaced my need for him. It has taken years to realize I was an innocent child deserving of a love he couldn’t give.
He was a product of his own miserable, love-deprived upbringing. Because of this, he has never been able to fully love or commit to anyone. He was unfaithful to my mother and continued his infidelity with his second wife. She chooses to stay with him for some reason. Thankfully, my mother knew she was worthy of more.
I am finally certain I am worthy of more. I deserve a loving father who wants to spend time with me. One who is proud of my accomplishments and makes me feel whole.
What I know today is I always had that exact Father. God carried me through so many horrific moments. He held me when I cried even as I had no idea He was there.
I defined a Father as the man who left me all those years ago. It took over 30 years for me to recover from that definition—that person who I saw as my only opportunity to enjoy the love a daughter should receive from her father.
I truly feel loved at this moment by a Father who will never leave me. One who relishes His time with me. One who smiles down upon me as I try to become the woman He created me to be, and still loves me as I stumble and fall along that path.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~Romans 8:38-39
During this Christmas season, we don’t have to be heartbroken over the fathers that are no longer a part of our lives. Those who won’t be sitting at our table or putting gifts under our tree. We can be thankful for the one true Father who brought us the ultimate gift, a beautiful baby boy named Jesus…
She will give birth to a son,
and you are to give him the name Jesus,
because he will save his people from their sins.
~Matthew 1:21
Best. Gift. Ever.
Merry Christmas, my friend! Don’t forget to print out your free CHRISTmas Subway Art.
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This brought tears to my eyes. While our circumstances in how we lost our birth father was different, the underlying pain is the same. My father left at around the same age. I was 10 when he died. I didn’t understand it really. We didn’t talk much about it. I was the youngest and everyone else just went about their lives like everything was the same. Meanwhile, I had this emptiness that never went away. I too tried to fill it, but couldn’t. And I too am finally realizing that there has always been another Father there this whole time. The part that brought me to tears was that you threw in Romans 8:38. Probably one of my favorite scriptures in the bible at a night when I needed it the most. Thank you! Your blog always touches me!
I am loving that verse right now! I think I want to hang it somewhere I will see right when I wake up and before I go to sleep. It’s so powerful! I think the recovery of losing a parent as a child is long and hard. My daughter’s dad died when she was 6. She always had an empty spot from that tragedy as well.
I hope you are feeling better and good news is on the horizon :)! Keep me posted!
Candace, be blessed always. Wonderful share and very heartfelt. I myself haven’t seen my father in several years but I feel clear and in peace that it is he who is missing out and not I. Forgiveness and clarity are wonderful things and can carry us a long way.
Merry Christmas xoxo
It is definitely them missing out on a life with us and our precious children. I just can’t imagine making that choice. My children are everything to me. I’m glad you have found peace and forgiveness! Merry Christmas to you, Mari!
Unbelievably beautiful and touching, candace….
This is what I love and what moved me so very much, Thank you for sharing your heart…..just beautiful…
oops, Copied and pasted a line from the post which did not appear in the comment box….
Sorry.
No problem my friend :). Thanks for your sweet comment! It was a tough one to write, but healing, as always.
Hey Candy Cane, Happy Holidays to you. I don’t think all adults realize what strain separation put on the kids. The mental wear and tear on their emotions and thoughts. I saw it with my three when their dad and I separated. I thought as kids they would be fine but to this day my daughter talks about certain areas in that divorce she never let go. I have lived and learned from the past and I have been there for my kids through it all, sometimes I wish more but that’s the past and I can only do my best everyday. Leave the darkness behind and we walk in the light of out Heavenly Father
Hi Camii, Yes, “leave the darkness behind”! Focus on what you can do today. Our kids will face tragedy and separation in their lifetimes. My daughter’s father and I went through an extremely difficult divorce. I know it was so hard on her, but sometimes we have no choice. I just try to be the best mom I can be today. Always great to see you!
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! Have a wonderful Christmas.
I hope you have a fabulous Christmas as well, Amanda! I’m so glad you visited :)!
Thanks for sharing your heart Candace. I am so glad you know how loved you are by the Father. I pray you feel that love especially strong this Christmas.
It is a wonderful feeling to finally understand that unconditional, undying love. Thanks so much for your prayer and visit, Jennifer!
Candace, I cried when I read this. You are truly a BEAUTIFULLY talented writer. You have so much to be proud of with yourself. I struggled for years after I lost my dad through a family divorce, and hurt so much inside, then created self harming methods in my own health out of fear, abandonment, hurt, anger and confusion. It is so hard for a girl to lose her father, no matter what way she does.
Then, after I reconciled with my dad many years later, he became my best friend, and I slowly started to heal again, but not completely. When he died in a car wreck three years ago, I honestly gave up emotionally. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what kind of torment I put myself through. Thank you for understanding that.
Luckily, our father in heaven heals all, and I now know though my Dad was a gift, and my father here on Earth, God has always been my ultimate father in heaven.
I am praying for you, and thank you so much for this heartfelt post! You’re very inspiring!!<3
Wow, Heather!! I don’t even know where to start. Thank you for all of this- your loving comment, sharing your personal story, your prayers… I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy of you losing your father- twice! God does heal all and is so much more amazing than any earthly father can possibly be :). Praying for you too, my sweet friend!
Oh candace,
so beautiful written! I myself haven’t seen my dad when i was a baby, and i don’t know him! As Lil girl it didn’t matter but once grown i did felt a bit empty, now being mom and married, i still sometimes feel empty but refuse to feel that way. When i look at my kids how much they love and adore their dad i do often wonder how it feels to have the love of your dad, what’s like to talk to him and be proud of you.
but like you said god is the one who replace this and your perfect in his eyes.
thanks for sharing 🙂
x
Thank you for sharing your story with me, Yasmina. That sense of abandonment can lead to life long pain, even if for brief periods. I know what you mean about watching your kids relationship with their dad and wondering what that would have felt like. I’m very thankful my kids have the love and attention of their dad. We are fortunate to all be loved by the ultimate Father, but I still sometimes feel the emptiness you speak of.
Beautiful words! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas! 🙂
Hi Kim! I had a great Christmas. I hope yours was wonderful as well. So good to see you :)!
Thank you for sharing even more of you. My father has dementia and the disease is starting to progress more rapidly, it seems. I am losing him a little at a time. Thank you for the reminder that our heavenly Father is there waiting to fill that emptiness.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father, Sandy. What a tragic situation to deal with. I’m glad you were able to find some comfort here. Praying for you and your dad!