I sat crying while he packed his belongings into brown cardboard boxes. He didn’t say a word. I whispered, “Don’t ever forget me.”
It was the only time I ever saw my dad cry. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to convince me my fears were unwarranted. They weren’t. He quickly forgot all about me…
That day marked my first broken heart. I was only 12 years old.
My dad would take us to dinner over the years, but not often. I probably saw his face once every 4-5 months. He quickly remarried and started a new life. One that didn’t involve children or past responsibilities.
Eventually the visits became fewer and farther between. We haven’t spoken in over eight years.
There have been so many times in my life where his abandonment nearly destroyed me. Drugs, alcohol, and men (far older than they should have been) quickly replaced my need for him. It has taken years to realize I was an innocent child deserving of a love he couldn’t give.
He was a product of his own miserable, love-deprived upbringing. Because of this, he has never been able to fully love or commit to anyone. He was unfaithful to my mother and continued his infidelity with his second wife. She chooses to stay with him for some reason. Thankfully, my mother knew she was worthy of more.
I am finally certain I am worthy of more. I deserve a loving father who wants to spend time with me. One who is proud of my accomplishments and makes me feel whole.
What I know today is I always had that exact Father. God carried me through so many horrific moments. He held me when I cried even as I had no idea He was there.
I defined a Father as the man who left me all those years ago. It took over 30 years for me to recover from that definition—that person who I saw as my only opportunity to enjoy the love a daughter should receive from her father.
I truly feel loved at this moment by a Father who will never leave me. One who relishes His time with me. One who smiles down upon me as I try to become the woman He created me to be, and still loves me as I stumble and fall along that path.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~Romans 8:38-39
During this Christmas season, we don’t have to be heartbroken over the fathers that are no longer a part of our lives. Those who won’t be sitting at our table or putting gifts under our tree. We can be thankful for the one true Father who brought us the ultimate gift, a beautiful baby boy named Jesus…
She will give birth to a son,
and you are to give him the name Jesus,
because he will save his people from their sins.
Best. Gift. Ever.
Merry Christmas, my friend! Don’t forget to print out your free CHRISTmas Subway Art.