Peace. What a beautiful concept. For several months, I have felt more of its glorious presence than I’ve encountered in years.
This week is different. The darkness returned.
At the beginning of the week, I posted my word for the week on my refrigerator: PEACE. I wrote out my verse:
I desperately searched for these treasures in my darkness, the secret riches God has for me so I may know Him.
By this morning, I felt my search was over. Not in the blissful, I found what I’m looking for way, but more the defeated, giving up kind of ending.
Late this afternoon, I picked up my Made to Crave book and read the 3 chapters for the week. I was on a mission to find what people discovered in these pages to change their eating habits. To stop them from binging on the foods still holding on to me. To shine the light on their darkness…
Lysa TerKeurst made me shift my perspective with simply this:
“Our looks are temporary; if we hitch our souls to this fleeting pursuit, we’ll quickly become disillusioned. The only true satisfaction we can seek is the satisfaction of being obedient to the Lord.”
Let’s face it. I want to lose weight. I am dying to fit into my closet filled with cute clothes many sizes smaller than my actual body.
However, my obsession with trying to get back to where I once was could be setting myself up for failure. I lost 80 pounds three years ago. My body did not look like it did when I weighed the same amount years before. This greatly disturbed me. I gained 75 of those 80 pounds back.
Temporary looks… Just as these lines keep growing and deepening all over my face, my body is shifting with the years as well.
This has been my problem this week. I am scared of my body failing me again, not becoming what I want it to be. I can’t “hitch” to this! My goal needs to be obedience. I know God wants me to live a healthy lifestyle. This is the only way I will ever regain enough energy to carry out His plans for me.
Our bodies are not here to satisfy us when we look in the mirror. They are amazingly complex systems, created by God to help us function and serve Him.
I spent far too much time this week feeling defeated because I wasn’t doing this program “perfectly”- exercising everyday, cutting out sugar completely,… This week had been the complete opposite of perfect- not one minute of exercise, several candy binges,… Depression and anxiety were unavoidable.
Today I shifted from focusing on the body I so desperately craved to wanting to please God. This means I can be proud of one session on the treadmill and not devastated from missing one workout. I can know one home cooked meal for my family is a success, even if I slip up later that night with an unhealthy snack. I am taking it one act of obedience at a time.
So, tonight after I finished my reading, I went downstairs and walked for 45 minutes on my treadmill. This was the first time I had been on it in months, and I walked as slow as it would let me. But… I did it. After I finished, I came upstairs, threw out my candy stash, and fixed dinner for my family, which is another thing I have yet to make a habit of. But… I did it tonight.
Here is my treasure- hope. I have more hope and less sadness as I type these words than I have had all week.
week 3 of my made to crave journey… day 36 of my healthy new year’s resolutions… DAY 1 of finding true peace as I pursue a life of obedience to God.