I’m an incredibly restless person. My mind is in a constant state of spinning, always wondering if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be, living in the right place, reaching out to who needs me…
Lately I’m dreaming of selling everything, moving to the country, and raising a garden and chickens to become completely self-sufficient. I’ve been living in my current home for almost 10 years which is a record for me. The ironic part is we moved here from the country partly because I wanted to be closer to city life.
My husband says being married to me is like hanging on to the back of a speed boat. He speaks the truth. I get bored easily which can quickly bring an intensely uncomfortable restless feeling. That feeling always leads me to a strong need for a big change.
When my daughter and I signed up to participate in a Bible study called Restless, it honestly made me a little nervous. A lot of who I am is wrapped up in my restlessness. I didn’t want it to go away, or be fixed.
Every time I mentioned the study, I called it Reckless instead of Restless. Every time! This Freudian slip made me come to a breathtaking realization.
When I get restless, I get reckless.
I pack up and move. I start a new business or venture without fully thinking it through. I spend an obscene amount of money on some late night infomercial product promising to change my life…
My daughter had a conflict and ended up not being able to join me in the study. I, of course, had my excuse and dropped out too. Luckily the book was already on my TBR list, so I read it anyway on my own.
I’m not sure I have ever highlighted so much in a book before. I even did all of the journal exercises, every one. Unfortunately, that is something I too often skip in books, especially if I’m just reading it on my own.
Here is one of the greatest things I learned about finding home from Jennie Allen:
“Because, you know, we aren’t really in our ‘place’ yet. The place we were made for is coming; no place feels quite right until we are home.”
Our home is with God in Heaven. This was such a lightbulb moment for me. All of those moves, searching for the perfect place to live. I get it now…
What kept coming up in my journaling exercises was my need for love and connection. I found this incredibly eye opening as well. It’s been remarkably difficult to build or maintain intimate relationships with all of the geographical changes I’ve made throughout my life.
Sadly, I’m beginning to think this may have been purposeful, perhaps to protect myself.
It is easier to survive this life on the surface, brushing up against people gently, rather than doing the mess of intentionally loving them. Love takes risk. Love takes forgiveness and grace. Love takes effort, time, and commitment. You commit not to bolt when it gets hard, because it will get hard.
Love really does take all of these things. It can be unbelievably hard, especially for those of us jaded by so many past hurts.
So I guess for now, moving is not a goal. Those chickens and hours of gardening will have to wait. My time is better served by loving more and developing deeper connections with the people in my current spaces, including this beautiful, growing online one.
It’s not about us. We are here for a brief period to serve a greater good and an even greater God. For now this can be more effectively accomplished by continuing to write my story and building community here, rather than distracting myself with moving boxes and farm animals.
I’m so thankful for each of you who continue to walk alongside me on this journey. The deep connections we are able to make in cyberspace never ceases to amaze me. Let’s continue to build this relationship, even when it gets hard…
What do you get restless about? Are you a mover like me? A new business starter? I would love to hear from you!
If you would like to purchase Reckless by Jennie Allen, you can find it here:
*Disclosure: I’m an Amazon affiliate. If you click through and purchase from the above link, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thanks for the support!
If you have time today, check out the rest of my to be read pile for 2015: