My mom was far from the checkered dress and pearl wearing mothers of black and white TV programs. I did not come home to her anxiously awaiting me with a plate of after-school snacks and a ready ear to listen to my day’s events.
Although she was married to three different men before I graduated from high school, I always considered her a single mom. She had to work to support us. Both of her husbands after my dad left were of little use financially or with any child rearing needs.
Over the years, I have struggled to accept responsibility for my mistakes. I blamed my mom for allowing me to become addicted to drugs and alcohol at the frighteningly young age of 13. I blamed her for giving me too much freedom, where I could pollute my body and soul with these substances and boys that took advantage…
My forgiveness journey with her didn’t start until after I got sober at 30. Somehow, I continued to blame her throughout my 20’s as I continued my addictions. Deep down, I must have known then it wasn’t her fault, but placing the blame elsewhere made it easier.
In more recent years, I have been able to see my life for what it was — a journey to become the woman I am today. If I didn’t go through every single moment of my past, I would not be here today, reaching out to try to help others fighting for their freedom from addiction.
With this revelation, I can finally allow myself to let go of when, how, or why my addiction started. I can move past all the pain and traumatic events associated with those days. My mother is being slowly released from the captivity of blame.
This has not been an overnight process by any means. My forgiveness is still a work in progress. I find myself getting angry with her sometimes, only to realize it has less to do with the matter currently at hand and everything to do with those years and mistakes made so long ago…
Becoming a mother has made me realize those women from black and white TV shows only lived in those little boxes. They were never real, dealing with the problems actual life brings. There are no perfect mommies.
I fought so hard to save my children from the mistakes my mom made, I allowed myself to ignore the ones I was making. My kids will someday be able to sit at a computer and blog about the many things I did wrong in their childhood.
I choose to remember more every day about what my mom did right. She was twice the homemaker I am, always having our house in a condition ready for company. I, on the other hand, find myself running around like a crazy woman hiding laundry and dirty dishes when my kids invite someone over.
I remember the day she found me in a hospital at 22 when my body finally shut down from the drugs I continued to pummel into it. She had been searching for me for months. I will never forget when she walked in the door of that dark hospital room. A halo floated above her, slightly tilted and tarnished, but a halo nonetheless…
I remember when I became a divorced mom in my late 20’s, completely broke spiritually, physically, and financially. She took me and my daughter in and nursed us back to life…
In honor of Mother’s Day, let’s choose forgiveness. May we all focus on the beautiful moments our moms gave us, not the mistakes they made.
Forgiving our mothers for those inevitable mistakes of the past is a necessity for our emotional health. The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most complex unions we will ever have. Change your focus and move forward in love with your mom today.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
~Ephesians 4:31-32
Candace, thank you for your post about forgiving your imperfect mother. As usual, I relate very much to what you say here about your mother and addiction. How wonderful that you’ve been able to forgive her. I was struck by what you said about “too much freedom” as a youngster. These are exactly the words my daughter uses when describing the children in her grade who are beginning to go down the wrong path (she just turned 14). “They have so much freedom!” she cries. This helps me so much because I have NO IDEA how to be a mother, having not had one myself, at least not a functioning one. If not for God’s work in my heart, I am convinced my daughter would be going down that path, too. Praise Him!
I was 14 when things really started heading downhill for me. I completely understand what your daughter is saying. We kept very close tabs on my daughter at that age. It drove her crazy, but now, at 20, she is so appreciative of it. I have no doubt you are a wonderful, loving mother, Laura! We all just do the best we can, and we will all make mistakes. Praying for all of us mommies :)!
Blessings on you Candace, truth but good perspective throughout this article.
Thank you, Sandra! Blessings to you as well. I’m so glad to have you here :).
Candace as always great share such honesty and love. Forgiveness is so freeing I learned that these past few years. Even if you get nothing in return it is freeing just for you to grow and be free of past baggage. 🙂
Forgiveness is definitely a beautiful gift for ourselves as well. I completely agree with you, Mari. It has really been in the past few years for me too that I have learned all forgiveness offers. I’m still working on it though :)…
Focusing on what our Moms did right is a great way to celebtate Mother’s Day. I’m like you I find myself scrabbling when company is headed my way. I hate it when people show up without calling. I need time to hide my junk…LOL.
I’m not a fan at all of people showing up without calling either, Sonya! My husband always tells people “Stop by sometime!” and I have to follow it with “Call 1st!”… Sometimes it is too easy for me to focus on the negative about my past and the people that hurt me along the way. I think we are all like that a little. My mom has a lot of great qualities I forget about far too often.
The mother-daughter relationship is quite a creation – filled with extremes. I struggled with my mom growing up and I still do because she is very much ego-centered and relies on passive-aggressive behaviors. There is a part of me that wants to forgive her – and in recovery I am learning that is key. There is still that part of me that wants to scream at the woman who told my allergist,when I was young, that, “I’ll quit smoking when I’m good and ready” when he told her that her smoking in the house and in general was wreaking havoc on my asthma and allergies. Who does that to their kid? I have learned that people struggling with addiction act in those ways. I intellectually get that now, it just hasn’t hit my heart. With prayer and time, I guess….
I have prayed a great deal about forgiveness, Kristin. It has been a lifelong struggle with not only my mom, but several other family members as well. I have fought forgiving myself even more. I still have a part of me that wants to scream at my mom sometimes, but time and prayer has definitely helped with that as it will with you. I will pray for you also. The mother-daughter relationship is truly like no other…
The mother-daughter relationship can be complicated, can’t it? A great blog filled with emotion and honesty, as always! I love reading what you share about your life and am so thankful to you for sharing! Happy early Mother’s Day to you!! **hug**
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Kim! I truly believe it is one of the most complicated relationships there is, but also one of the most important. Happy Mother’s Day to you too, my friend!!
I love your emphasis on choosing to remember the good. I can easily remember the negative, irresponsible things my mother did. I often think of these and ask myself, “What do I have to do to make sure I don’t repeat these mistakes?”
It’s harder to remember the good things. As you mention, I think forgiveness is an important component of this. Thanks for this inspiration!
It is easy for me to get caught up in the negative and irresponsible things too, Shannon. I completely understand. Forgiveness can take a lot of work, but is well worth it! It is truly the best way for me to continue to shift my focus to the good memories. I hope it helps you as well :)!
Thank you for sharing your heart here.
You are so welcome, Starla! Thanks for your visit :)!
Broken homes break us – don’t they – and it takes Him putting us back together. Growing up, it was grilled in me that I had to take care of my mother, that I had to be the one to make sure she was o.k. – but it left me wondering a lot – who’s going to make sure I’m o.k.? What you write about here – it’s what we all need to do – to be healed from those things others did that broke us – to forgive – it’s like the water in the potter’s bowl that allows His fingers to make whole the cracks! Happy Mother’s Day!!!
I LOVE your comparison of forgiveness to “the water in the potter’s bowl that allows His fingers to make whole the cracks”! Beautiful! Thankfully, He has been working hard to put me back together these last few years. I pray He is doing the same for you. That had to be difficult growing up with your roles reversed. It can be so hard to move past those memories. I understand! I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day too!
Candace, what a wonderful post. So beautifully written. I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day- you certainly deserve it. <3
Thanks so much, Heather! I plan to do as little as possible that day :). My husband is great about making that happen for me. I’m extremely blessed!
A very touching and convicting post, Candace. Definitely made me think about forgiving people in my life and renewing that forgiveness.
Thank you, Roaen! Forgiveness is as much a gift for ourselves as it is for the people we give it to. I know how difficult it can be though :).
Beautifully written and powerful. We all make mistakes and need to seek & give forgiveness. I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day.
We do all make mistakes, Sarah. I have made more than my fair share of mothering ones. I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day as well! Congrats on your pregnancy! How fun to have one in the womb on our special day of the year :).
As always I love reading your post….and they always inspire me.
Thank you my sweet friend! I miss you! Let’s get together very soon.
LOVE your story. I commend you for talking about your past, and for forgiving your mother. I also had a rocky relationship with mine, (I actually dreaded Mother’s Day for many years), but I will try and take your attitude of remembering the good things she did.
I am so glad you were able to overcome your addictions and are alive to encourage and help others today!
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Terri! I really hope this can help you with your memories of your mom. The mother-daughter relationship is incredibly complicated. It has the ability to really grow and change over the years if we will let it.
I’m so blessed to be sober from drugs and alcohol. Had I not overcome those dark addictions, I would definitely not be here today. Now my greatest addiction is food. Although it is still something I must fight to live a healthy life, I choose it over my darker demons any day.
no mom is perfect – except your best friend’s when you’re 14.
but then you become a mom, and that’s when God’s grace grows exponentially in importance and focus. amen. God bless us everyone.
Being a mom is the toughest, yet most rewarding job there is. You are so right, Sue – it is absolutely impossible to do perfectly. God’s grace certainly makes it a whole lot easier :)!