When I became a Christian not too long ago, the greatest gift I found was that I had a Father. Even though my biological father abandoned me many years ago, I was never alone, never orphaned as I sometimes felt as a sad, lonely, rejected little girl.
My mom has always been in my life. Unfortunately, she struggled with her own demons, as so many of us do. I have since found forgiveness for my mother, but offering this same grace to my father is not coming so easily.
As I read the chapter From Orphan to Adopted in Pastor Derwin Gray’s Limitless Life, I assumed my head would nod and be filled with amens throughout the 17 pages. This would be a chapter I wouldn’t learn much from. He would be preaching to the choir…
I was incredibly wrong…
Instead of letting me bask in the glory of God’s grace and adoption, he challenged me. Pastor Gray’s father also left when he was a child. He stayed away through most of his younger years, only showing his face a few times which usually brought more sadness and disappointment. To this, I could definitely relate.
However when he grew up and felt an overwhelming need to forgive his father, he lost me. I really want to feel this yearning to forgive, but the pain is still so fresh. I want to, possibly even need to, feel this conviction in my heart:
“Adoption into God’s glorious family means that everything that Jesus has—His rights, His privileges—we now have because we belong to Jesus, the Father’s Beloved. As this gospel truth moved from theory in my mind to conviction in my heart, it moved my hands to action. I had to find my father and restore my relationship with him.” ~Derwin Gray
My father came into and left my life a few times over the years. Each time, I was left a little more broken than before. My pain has always rationalized not forgiving him, knowing he would just reject me again. I let myself rest in the peace of finding my true Father.
Something is different tonight as I type these words. I’m beginning to feel that yearning, a spark to forgive. Not a full-fledged forgiveness… I’m not there yet, but a small ray of light in the darkness of hatred and anger I have carried with me all these years.
Perhaps it is our debt to forgive as we have been so beautifully forgiven. To love as we are so unconditionally loved. To offer grace as we have so unworthily received it.
When Pastor Gray shared about his children playing with his dad and developing a relationship with him, I couldn’t help but wonder what this could be like for my kids. They could pass my dad on the street today and have no idea who he is. I always justified this with my fierce mommy protection to not let him hurt them as he did me.
What if I’m wrong? What if God has been working on his heart like he has mine? It may be time for me to answer these questions.
Let’s all challenge ourselves to the Transformation Moment Pastor Gray offers us at the end of his life-changing chapter:
Reach out to the people you need to forgive.
Write a letter.
Make a phone call.
Send a text.
Extend an invitation.
It’s time to get released from the self-limiting prison cell of unforgiveness and walk in freedom.
(Limitless Life, p.86)
Thirteen years ago, my MIL tried to get custody of our children. (We just had the 2 boys then, and they were 4 and 3.) It was a very dark time in my life. But God gave me the strength to stand up and fight. The case was eventually dropped because when she did come to town, we were not going to let her see the boys while the case was still active. A few days before she called and said she was dropping the case; I said that when I got a piece of paper in my hand from the court saying that it was over, then it was over. She and her husband came back to town at Christmas of that year. She asked me at one point if I hated her and her husband. I said (truthfully) no. I had read on one of those “quote-a-day” calendars somewhere that the worst thing someone could do to you was to make you hate them. (They probably don’t care and then you are stuck with all those negative feelings festering inside of you.) I think I told her something like, “I know you thought you were doing what was right. Thankfully, you were wrong in this case.” We still don’t talk as much as we did before that incident, but I think it’s mostly on her side.
God wants the best for each one of us: you, your father, me and my mother-in-law. It’s up to the individual to do their part as well. You sound like you are on the right track, Candace. I’m praying for you. :O)
Thank you for sharing your story, LuAnn. What a horrible situation that must have been! I’m glad you have made your peace with her. I’m impressed and hopeful by your ability to forgive. I think this is going to be a long process for me. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!
Yes, all in His time! All we have to do is let Him know we are willing and He puts the desire in our heart. He does the heavy lifting so to speak. This is great news for you. Isn’t it amazing how he repairs our lives?
It is so amazing, Laura! We are truly blessed. “He does the heavy lifting”- I love this and completely agree :).
After harboring pain, rejection, abandonment and depression from the time I can first remember as a little girl as a result of my biological Dad not wanting anything to do with me …and fighting those same battles with slight variations because of the fragmented relationship I had with my stepdad, the relief finally came 40 years later once I asked God to plant in my heart the seed of forgiveness. It finally washed over me and released me from the pain that had been so debilitating all my life. Once I asked for the ability and sincerity to forgive, I was cleansed and began to pray for the men who had seemed to be the forces behind every painful moment in my life. It transformed my heart and taught me that God my Father loves me and my faith and trust in Him has replaced what was a root if bitterness that had grown inside me. God is love.
Wow- what a beautiful story of finding peace and forgiveness, Staci! Thanks so much for sharing it with me. I really hope to be where you are soon!
Candace, it wasn’t anything I did on my own. God alone delivered me from this stronghold and I continue to pray for this same grace with the other battles I have. You are an inspiration and I am so thankful I stumbled across your blog. You are in my prayers.
I’m so thankful you ended up here as well, Staci! Looking forward to getting to know you better. Thanks for the prayers :).
So true Candace, I too have to find forgiveness for my dad. I have to choose everyday to let things go and not hold up a stockpile of guilty verdicts in my mind and heart because I don’t want that for myself with God. Sometimes, like with me, forgiveness is progressive and I have to give myself permission to take it one choice at a time-I choose to forgive, I have too many prayers on the alter to have anything hold them back. I pray for your journey as well, God is with you, God is in you, and God is for you!!
Thank you for the prayers, Valerie! I will pray for your journey also. I have to take it one step at a time as well. I’m really focused on step one right now, which may be just finding out his location. I definitely don’t want to rush anything and overwhelm myself :).
Oh man Candace, this is powerful! I am certainly anxious to see where this path takes you. Just like the verse you posted says we do have to forgive others if we want God to forgive us. I know that can be hard especially like you said when you want to make sure & protect your children from experiencing that same hurt. I also think we can forgive someone for what they have done to us but if it continues over & over we can break that tie with them so that it doesn’t happen again but still forgive them. If that makes sense, I hope I am right about that!
It does make sense and I agree with you, Tonya! There is still so much I feel I need to think through here, but I’m excited my heart is starting to change some. If for nothing else, it will free me. Thanks for the encouragement, my friend! I’m very curious to see where this journey will take me as well :).
Praying you move forward, and able to forgive. Your situation is hard but as my sister always says when I’m facing a problem, what would Christ do? That allows me to find clarity all the time. He forgave me, and therefore I need to forgive…it’s that simple. Let the Holy Spirit lead and guide you with how you handle the situation. I too, need to forgive someone and it’s hard, praying now for how to move forward!
Praying for you as well, Sabrina! Looks like we are at similar places on our paths. “What would Christ do?” is an excellent question to ask in any situation. I agree, forgiveness would be the answer! As you said, we need to offer it as He did so freely for us.
Praying for you–forgiveness is so hard!!!! God will hold you through all of this, and just guard your heart and keep believing on God’s truths. God bless you!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us!
Forgiveness can be so incredibly difficult! I completely agree, Kim! Thanks so much for your prayers and advice. They are greatly appreciated :).
Candace, your raw processing and authentic sharing about forgiveness and your father have deeply touched my heart today. Thank you for modeling forgiveness.
Thank you for your sweet encouragement, Lisa. I’m at a tough place in my journey right now, but I’m feeling hopeful. Wanting to heal this relationship is so new. I’m nervous and excited to see where it will lead me.
Thank you for you words of encouragement! I tend to spend too much time in my life going over the hurts my parents caused me in the past. It is time to forgive once and for all. To move on and to focus my mind on Jesus and what he did for me!
“Move on” is something I have been repeating to myself a lot lately! I too spend far more hours than I should on the past. I can completely relate to you, Jenny. We can do this :)!
Great share Candace xoxo
Thanks, Mari! It’s always good to see you :)!
Wow, this is wonderful, thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to hear others who have forgiven and knowing that it’s something we need to do but just haven’t been able to yet. It takes so much courage to move forward and extend some grace and forgiveness as has been done to us. This is so encouraging, again, thank you.
You are so welcome, Lisa! Thanks for the encouragement. I completely agree- it is hard to see others forgive when we don’t want to. I have to admit, I was a little annoyed and uncomfortable when I came to that part in the book. I didn’t think I was ready, but I’m quickly changing my mind. I’m not at his point yet, but I’m ready to take a step in that direction :).
Wow – I saw your heart open up just a little with this blog post. It brought a smile to see how God works in our lives. This was a very touching post. You will help others!
Thank you so much for sharing.
I truly hope this can help others to find freedom in forgiveness, Natasha. I’m so happy I could bring a smile to your face today :). My heart is definitely opening up in ways I never thought possible!
I know how you feel. Now my dad is dealing with memory problems and repeating alot of things. My sister and I used dad as a baby sitter some times because we felt he owed us that. He is ok, I would talk to him more if his wife weren’t there. (She knows everything about everything and doesn’t shut up).
Thinking about my dad’s wife brings a whole other area into play here. She is another person I hope to someday forgive. There is a lot of history with her as well. I have often thought over the years about what I would do if my dad came to me in poor health- failing memory, etc. I never was able to come up with an answer. Prayers for healing in your relationship, Cathy!
Amazing words, Candace! I’m so glad you are seeing a small ray of light! Forgiving is one of the hardest things we have to do as people and as Christians. I’ve struggled with it many times over the years and sometimes still do. Baby steps, my friend, baby steps! God will show you the way once you are ready. And we’re all here to support you no matter what. **hugs** 🙂
Hugs to you, my friend! I’m struggling with it, but I feel strongly it’s time to make a baby step of some kind. I’m still marinating on what it will be ;). Thanks for your support, Kim!!
Candace, this is just wonderful to read. Not what your father has done to you, but what God is doing to your heart. Forgiveness is not easy. I used to hold anger, resentment, and not forgive. If someone hurt me, they would be written out of my life, almost as if they never existed. I know I did this to protect me from the pain of hurting, but in the end all it did was cause me to become bitter and angry. That changed for me these past 6 months. One relationship in particular I was holding so much anger and hurt that it was almost consuming me. I sat on the beach last October and prayed for God to help me. Slowly I started to take those baby steps towards forgiveness. It is a blessing you will not regret to let go of that consuming pain and hurt. I am proud of you! I know it’s not easy!
Thanks so much for your encouragement, Veronica! It sounds like you have come to a wonderful place. I hope to be following in your footsteps very soon :). I definitely write people off to protect myself from more pain just as you did. It is an instinct. I’m praying a lot right now to figure out how to move forward. Much love to you, my friend!!
Thank you for sharing your struggle, Candace!! My stepfather was emotionally abusive growing up. I have forgiven him and he and I have a great relationship now. The person I am still struggling to forgive is my mother, for not seeing what was going on in her own house to her own children. I know she carries that guilt with her now, and I don’t want her to, but I’m not quite ready to all out forgive her either. Definitely something I need to work on.
It is so hard when we know forgiveness is necessary, but we just can’t get there. I can completely relate, Teressa! I’m really struggling to figure out my first step with my dad. It’s wonderful to hear you have a great relationship with your stepfather now. That gives me a lot of hope. Thank you :)!
Hey Candace, I hope that you are able to forgive your father in time. My husband also needs to forgive his father, not for his father’s sake but for his own. There are a lot of negative feelings towards his father that he needs to release.
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Forgiveness is an amazing gift for ourselves! I pray your husband can find freedom from his anger towards his father, Sonya. I definitely know how hard it is.
Thanks so much for using my Amazon link! I really appreciate it. It is amazing what all you can find there. My son is excited about his crocs. I was so glad to see your post and coupon! I never even thought to order them online, which is surprising because I order everything online :).
Forgiveness can be so hard. I admire your honest and courage to walk down this road. Who knows where it will lead you, but it will most likely end in a personal peace. I will pray for you as you continue toward forgiveness.
Thank you for the prayers and encouragement, Crystal! I can honestly say I feel the prayers you all are sending towards my situation. They will keep me moving forward. I think this will lead me to “personal peace” too :). I’m feeling very hopeful!
Candace, thank you for sharing honestly about the process of forgiveness. So often people tell stories of overcoming and getting past something–which is all fine, but I find encouragement listening to someone who is still walking through it, still working it out. Thanks again for your honesty. Blessings!
I really like to read people’s stories in the midst of their struggles as well, Kendra. There is something so real and raw about it. It’s so much easier for me to write about past successes, but I think sharing recent, fresh issues are incredibly helpful to others. I find it incredibly therapeutic for me also. Blessings to you :)!
Forgiveness might be one of the hardest necessities in this life. That is wonderful you are beginning to feel a spark….a first step. I wish you all the strength you need for this!!
I’m finding it is going to take more strength than I thought, but I’m not giving up. The spark is definitely the first step and I’m still exploring options for my next move. I completely agree that forgiveness is “one of the hardest necessities in this life” :)! Thanks for the encouragement!
Thank you for sharing, Candace. Forgiveness of parents is such a hard thing to do and sometimes we have to choose to forgive them, or anyone that has hurt us, every day. I have found it is hard to choose forgiveness each day and not take it back but it does get easier over time. Praying for you! I enjoy reading your posts!
Thank you, Katie! I’m quickly learning it is something that has to be chosen again every day. I completely agree with you on that. I’m glad to hear it gets easier. This may be the biggest forgiving I have ever attempted :).
I too have traveled a similar road. I did forgive my dad because I realized I needed to forgive him. Jesus forgave me in the middle of my mess, so I needed to forgive him in the middle of his. After I forgave him I really was set free of the anger and bitterness that resided in my heart. God has used it too! I also learned that forgiving doesn’t mean letting myself or my kids into an unsafe situation with someone who isn’t safe. Thanks for sharing your journey!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and advice, Kelly! It sounds like you experienced beautiful growth in your journey. You have given me hope and inspiration :)!
Thank you for sharing with us, your courageous heart here Candace! Blessings!
Blessings to you, Sybil! Thanks for visiting :).