Being a mom is the most stressful, incredible, emptying, and rewarding job in the world. The paradox of motherhood keeps me in a state of madness on most days.
I made huge mistakes when my daughter was young and I was still trapped in addiction. After so many years of sobriety and being a mom, this parenting thing should finally be easy.
It’s not— being a mom is still tough…
The moment I find myself screaming at my daughter about what a disaster her room is again. Then somehow being shocked when she yells back, sounding exactly like me, her shining example.
Those days I let my son play video games for hours so I can melt into the couch and a life escaping movie.
All of the restaurant kids meals of corn dogs and french fries that fill their little bellies, instead of nourishing home cooking that a good mom would serve.
Being a mom was so easy before I had kids. I could look at other moms in the store with their screeching kids and think about how my child would never. After mine were born, they would both, of course, reenact that same scene.
Today, with over 20 years of parenthood under my belt, I smile and nod in partnership with those sweet mommies scooping their little ones off the checkout candy rack.
There is hope for us overstressed, frazzled, running on empty mommies. Here is the key: GRACE. The beautiful, forgiving, soul-cleansing gift God so freely gives.
“With God, I’m never a bad mom. I might be having a bad moment…or two…or seventeen, but a few bad moments do not define me as a bad mom. God’s grace is there to cover me. Teach me. And even in the middle of a bad moment, interrupt me, redirect me, and change me.
Forgiveness is there.
Love is there.
A second chance is there.
And another one after that.”
~Lysa TerKeurst, Am I Messing Up My Kids?
We don’t need to be perfect. There will be many mistakes, tears, and prayers for forgiveness over the years.
Our greatest gift to our children is love. We must offer them the same love and forgiveness God continues to shower on us.
Their meals may not always consist of healthy fruits and vegetables. We may question when their bodies last came in contact with soap. Embarrassing scenes will happen at the grocery store.
However… If our precious kids feel unconditionally loved, I think we have served them well.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This. This is the love of a mother. It is absolutely what makes being a mom worth every second of the tough parts.
I have not made (many) of the mistakes my parents did. I’ve come up with whole new mommy mistakes! But my kids see that making a mistake isn’t the end of the world, and they know that I love them. The bonus is I think they’re kind of fond of me too! :O)
I tried so hard to avoid my parents mistakes. Like you, LuAnn, I made a whole bunch of my own :)! I think it’s important for our kids to see our imperfections. As you said, it helps them see it “isn’t the end of the world.” They are incredibly loved by us and that kind of love rights a lot of wrongs.
haha, i laughed at the “being a mom was so easy before i had kids.” some things i said i’d never do as a parent have come and passed! i’m ok with the sleepless nights, but when does the emotional stress stop?
Oh, Roaen! I so wish I could tell you the emotional stress stops soon. It doesn’t, my friend. It just takes different forms as they grow older. My daughter is almost an adult. She makes pretty good choices, but my worry about her is constant. Some things get easier, some harder, but they are well worth it :).
Well put! Thank you for a beautiful message.❤️
Thank you for your visit and sweet comment, Jayne!
An insightful post from a seasoned mum. I needed to read this…I’m still fresh and learning and I guess my fears are more from when they get older and yes…sadly scream back at me. I too will learn to embrace those embarrassing public moments, yes they already have started with my almost 3 year old daughter. Rejoice through it all. Blessing my dear…just reaslised I dudn’t respond to your mail…guess I got caught up with other stuff. Much love and blessings! Sabrina
No worries on the response, Sabrina. I know your hands are quite full lately. They will probably scream back one day, but there are precious moments as they age when we can just hang out with them- chatting, shopping… It all balances out :). Blessings to you and your newly expanded family!
Candace a beautiful blog as always. So many nuggets here. I loved it when you said you loved being a Mom until you had kids I find myself now with mine grown saying, “I would have never let mine do that”. Looking back I see so much I did right, but also so much I did wrong. I am so happy that P31 is doing this study to help young moms. I didn’t have the internet or blogs to read to help me when mine were little. You did a great job. Debbie
I would love to have done this study when my daughter was little, Debbie. I didn’t have an online community either. It makes me so happy for today’s young moms too.
We all made our mistakes, but we can hold tight to all we did right. I spent so many years focused on everything I did wrong. It’s nice to finally be giving myself a break :).
You are so right! Grace is the key. We are of course going to fail our kids just like we fail everybody else time and time again…because we are sinners. But God’s forgiveness and grace has us covered. I think the important thing is that we have open and repentant hearts, and a desire to keep growing and changing and not just stay stuck in our sinful habits. Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I also added my story to the P31 Blog Hop in case you are interested in reading it!:
https://thehowrys.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-total-mom-fail-of-week-times-two.html
Grace is an amazing gift. I use it often :). I’ll definitely be over to visit, Melyssa. I love our P31 Blog Hop. It always inspires!
YES! I needed to hear this message as a reminder that I need to forgive myself on my “bad mom” days and move on, showering myself with God’s grace. My children are small and the tantrums are many but I need to savor these moments and hide them in my heart for when they are grown. Thanks for the powerful message. I’m happy to find you through the Holley Gerth link-up.
Forgiving myself and moving on have taken me years to come to grips with, Sarah Ann! I’m still not a pro at it :). One thing I was glad to learn about tantrums is ALL kids have them. Don’t blame yourself. We are great, loving mommies!
Amen!
Thanks for the support, Paige :)!
I love that you raise the concept of addiction. I’ve got 20 years recovery, and without that terribly dark path, would not have come to Jesus when I did! It’s incredible the changes He can bring about in us, in our personal development, and in our desire to parent as he wants us to. I really enjoyed reading your post!
20 years- that’s awesome, Lisa! I will have 15 this October. It still amazes me. I’m so incredibly thankful for my recovery. I completely agree about the dark path leading to Jesus. I can really appreciate the light much more today :). I’m so glad to have you here!
Loved your post! Being a mom was definitely easier before having kids! Because we were awesome at it then! lol! Thanks for sharing!
We were amazing mommies back then! It is much easier to parent from afar ;). Thanks for visiting, Cori!
Dear Candace
My heart was giggling with much delight when I read your words today. Yes, dear one, motherhood is something we sort of cannot describe. My two are young men now and still eat vegetables and fruit only under great duress! Well, the years I spend raising my two hooligans, were the best years of my life.
Much love XX
Mia
I’m glad to hear my kids aren’t the only ones with a fruit and vegetable aversion, Mia :). The child rearing days absolutely make up our best years. I can’t agree with you more. Much love to you!
Thanks for sharing. I love your ideas…and especially love your graphic!
Thanks, Sherise! I fell in love with that crazy blonde mom as soon as I saw her. I found her on Pixabay.
I love this, Candace! Your words always make me smile 🙂 So blessed to walk this journey with you. xo
I feel the same about you, my friend. Thanks so much for the encouragement, Shelly!
“Being a mom was so easy before I had kids.” You said it sister.
Candace, I don’t know if you would be interested in something like this, but I thought I would invite you to check out a new and different kind of link-up starting on the 20th of this month.
https://theeangelproject.wordpress.com/2014/07/11/i-have-an-idea/
No pressure.
Encouraging post!
Blessings!
I will definitely check it out, Heather :). Thanks so much for the invite!
It is TRULY amazing Candace that my grown children do not seem to remember my raving maniac moments—PRAISE THE LORD! I have always laughed and said that the only time in my life when I felt totally out of control was raising my children. THANK GOD FOR GRACE!
Thank you for this exciting information, Lulu! I pray every day mine will someday forget my many “raving maniac moments.” I’m so happy to hear this is a possibility :)!
AMEN to GRACE!! I thank God every day that He pours it out on me! 🙂 Motherhood is the most edifying and sanctifying mission on earth, yes?
Absolutely, Chris! What a wonderful description of Motherhood. I thank God for grace as well. I so desperately need it :)!
Perfectly written. Amen!
Thank you, Mary! I always appreciate your sweet encouragement, my friend!
Great post! I like the picture you made in your blog header – looks just like you!
I wish I could take credit for cartoon Candace, Melanie. I was so excited how she turned out. Lauren of HeyHey Designs created her for me. She is an amazing artist!
Love this post! I love the transparency of it. It is truly refreshing to see that I am not the only one that struggles with giving myself grace.
You are definitely not alone, Carolyn! We are all in this together :).
“Being a mom was so easy before I had kids. ” Isn’t that the truth! I find myself much more patient with my little grandsons, but every once in a while, usually after the third mishap in swift succession, I find myself saying “What are you doing?” when what they are doing is usually being curious little boys.
My mom is definitely more patient with my kids! I think we get much calmer with age, Lisa. My kids are 9 years apart and my son has it much better than my daughter did :). I’m so looking forward to grandkids! You get to play with them and spoil them for a while, but no sleepless nights… I agree- little boys really are so curious!
Hang in there, girl! You will survive! I promise you.
And with grace, your children will arise and call you blessed. If not today, than some time down the path …
Hugs.
;-}
Thanks for the encouragement, Linda! I love that verse. I completely agree- even though it doesn’t always happen when they’re young, one day it will. Hugs to you!
Oh so true. Blessings to you always. Great blog. Miss you, take care of yourself.
Hi, Cathy! I miss you too, my friend. I’m looking forward to our next study when we are in contact more often. I hope you and your family are well. You are all in my prayers.
Hi Candace! I loved your line about how ‘being a mom was much easier before kids.’ I laughed out loud at that one! It’s so true. Some people just make it look effortless, don’t they?
The quote you cited really hit home with me. What parent doesn’t make mistakes? If we are not goofing up, then we’re not trying hard enough, I think. But anyway, to accept that I’ve made mistakes, and realize that it doesn’t define me is a precious pearl. It really is! I’m going to be thinking about that for a while today. Thank you 🙂
Ceil
Thinking of people who make it look effortless reminds me of the quote about comparing our “behind the scenes” to their “highlight reels.” I love this: “If we are not goofing up, then we’re not trying hard enough” and can’t agree more! I mess up daily so I must be trying really hard :). Thank you for that encouraging perspective, Ceil.
I am beyond thankful for God’s grace!!!
Amen, Stephanie! I use it daily :).
So true, Candace! I’m participating in the P31 OBS also so I’ll look for your blog in the blog hops!
I’m so glad to hear you are in this study too, Katie! I’ll be watching for yours as well :). I love the book so far!
Beautiful thoughts. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to be real. Motherhood is so difficult, and no one really gets it until they are already a parent. Therein lies the danger – as it is in the midst of things that stress happens. Bad decisions happen. Thanks for the reminder of how important love is. Beautiful post!
It is really impossible to understand until you become a parent. I completely agree, Elizabeth! You can never imagine how hard it will be. Thankfully, the rewards far outweigh the stress :).
oh what a beautiful post. My son is now in his 30’s and I made so many mistakes raising him. But then I look at him and I am so proud of this young man who now teaches music to other children. Yes, he does have a few bad habits of mine which I wish he didn’t have. I thank God every single day for this wonderful young man.
Thank you, Tammy! It’s encouraging to hear your son has built a wonderful life even with your mistakes and bad habits ;). This gives me great hope! I definitely see many of my issues- anxiety, etc. in my children. I have survived with these struggles and am hopeful they can too. A music teacher sounds like a wonderful career. My son is starting band this year. I think music is an incredible outlet and gift!
I loved this, Candace! I think we too often apply that passage of scripture to marriage and really, the same principles apply to loving those around us and especially our children. It has really gotten me thinking in the best way 🙂 Coming off a day when I’m trying to write some stuff for my site, uncommongrace.net, my kids won’t clean their rooms, my infant foster daughter decided today was the day to try to crawl up the stairs for the first time ever, and our three year old decided to finger paint with yogurt… on the couch, table, chairs and wall… (probably considerately trying to supply me with material for a blog post 😉 !) I can honestly say I needed this post! I constantly need to be reminded to see myself as God sees me and to live in grace and try to extend the same grace to those around me in order to be a light for Him. I think it is wonderful how you are living such grace after dealing with addiction and showing how God is the Hero of your story! Thanks!
It sounds like you have your hands incredibly full! I’m so thankful you found some comfort here. Our kids are awesome at giving us writing material :). I completely agree!
Love this! Just the encouragement I needed after a rough few days of parenting!
There are definitely rough days in this incredible job, Kathryn! I feel your pain :). I’m so glad you found some encouragement here. Thankfully the good days in parenting outweigh the bad!