One week ago today, I spent another day in bed capsized by the recurring depression I’ve shared so often here. However, this particular day will forever stand out to me. Around 6pm, my daughter came in to tell me Robin Williams, one of our all time favorite performers, was dead.
I immediately googled the details of his death and was devastated to learn he took his own life. Like me, Robin Williams suffered from chronic depression. Like me, he spent years strung out on drugs and alcohol, probably self-medicating his mental illness as I did for far too long. Like me, he pasted a giant smile on his face out in the world to cover his inner demons.
I pray that’s where the “like me” comparisons will end.
When I finished reading through every news outlet’s coverage of this horrible tragedy, I padded downstairs to cuddle up next to my husband on the couch. I knew the time for me to reach out had come.
I shared with him about the death of one of his favorite actors. My husband can quote Robin William’s infamous roles in “Good Will Hunting” and “Dead Poets Society” verbatim.
I then shared with him the scariest part of the suicide of this man we so admired. The part where I understand what drove him to do it. The part where I “get it.”
I absolutely get that feeling of hopelessness. I get his desolate search for a way out, any possible way out…
Those of us who battle mental illness usually do it for life. Even medications, therapy, reaching out… don’t always bring full recovery. Many of us begin to “wonder if it’s worth it.”
Adding the overwhelming addiction element to it only adds to our pain and desperation. Robin relapsed in 2003 for 3 years after almost 2 decades of sobriety. I relapse almost every day with food addiction issues after 15 years of abstinence from alcohol and drugs. Different drug, same immense feelings of extreme dependence.
Relapses and the shame brought about by those experiences only add to the hopelessness of mental illness.
We will never fully understand why a man seemingly still in the prime of his life and career would choose to end it all. Some of us can relate to aspects of his pain, but I hope to never fully understand those last desperate moments he spent clutching to life.
Robin Williams shared advice on the social networking site, Reddit, for someone going through a difficult time:
“Reach out to friends.
They’re out there.
And know that you are loved.”
This was from his “Ask Me Anything” thread less than a year ago. Oh how I wish he would have heeded those incredibly astute words in the final hours of his struggle.
I created this space for us- the broken, the healing, the struggling, the recovering… I hope we form a community here where we can share our wins, losses, needs, love… Over the past month, I have been nesting, enjoying time with my family, and honestly dealing with my own mental health issues.
I’m hoping to get back now to building our place here, where we can come during those alone, desperate, or hopeless moments and feel encouraged. Thank you for continuing along on this journey with me as I sometimes need to disappear for a brief period to relax and refill…
Dear Candace …I hear your heart, truly. For I have been where you have been. And have been to a place of healing and freedom. I am praying for you even as we speak. And I’m asking for His healing touch to be yours, too. There is hope, my friend …
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement, Linda. It’s always nice to hear hope from a fellow survivor :). I’m feeling good today. It is something that comes and goes with me. I love those days of “healing and freedom.” They are definitely increasing over the past year or so as my faith has grown. I’m incredibly thankful for friends like you. We are all brought together for a beautiful reason.
I am absolutely resonating with you, Candace. I so believe that there’s a reason God brought us together in this season. And as He continues to bring you to my heart, I am going to be releasing you back up to His tender care.
Thank you, my sweet friend :). You are greatly appreciated!
Praying for you my friend. Thanks for sharing your heart.
I have been feeling the need to address this tragic suicide all week. I’m glad to finally share my experience with such a great loss. Thanks for your prayers, Sandy! It’s always a pleasure to see you, my friend.
Along with, oh, anyone who has ever seen Robin Williams perform, was shocked and saddened by his passing, and by the fact that he took his own life. Like you, I ‘get’ it, and am a tad worried that I do. I dislike the fact that I will probably be on anti-depressants for life, but I really hate what I am like when I do not take them.
My husband’s birthday was Thursday, and he wanted to go to the ‘nearby’ Lone Star Steakhouse. We went. It was noisy. Somewhere in the middle of the meal…I don’t know if it was an anxiety attack or what, but the door to happy time out with the family slammed shut and I could not WAIT to get out of there.
Thank you so much for sharing both your struggles and triumphs. It’s encouraging to know that there are other people out there dealing with similar issues.
Medication is a tough thing. I completely understand your feelings. I’ve been on so many over the years, but the side effects make me leery. Like you, I will have to deal with it as I’m sure I’ll be on some type or another for life. I’m so sorry to hear about your attack, LuAnn. I have had many of those doors to happy family time “slammed shut.” I get it, my friend. Praying for you!
I call mine “the switch.” I found out over the past year that when I’m battling depression, I typically have diurnal mood variations, meaning I feel cruddy until 2 PM, and then I feel somewhat better. (I could tell time based on my mood…it was clockwork!) Also, as we were adjusting meds and I was going up and down, I hated it when I woke up feeling okay and then during the day, something would trigger me and all of a sudden I would feel really bad again. I always said it’s like a light switch…the moods go on and off very suddenly.
The switch! I love that Terri. My moods switch quickly too. Nothing even has to trigger me. It drives my poor hubby crazy sometimes. I should name mine too. It lightens it a little I think :).
God Bless You, Candace. Thank you for sharing your heart. I, too, battle depression and panic attacks/anxiety and have battled these things for over 20 years, on and off. There are more people than we realize, who are battling this disease. The more we talk about this, the more people will be helped. 🙂
Thank you for your encouragement and sharing your hardships, Melissa. Panic attacks are the worst. I have ended up in the ER certain I was having a heart attack. I feel your pain! I agree that us sharing our stories will help others who feel alone. Mental illness can be an incredibly lonely disease. Blessings to you!
What beautiful, heart-wrenched words woven into a touching tribute to a man who made us all laugh, in spite of his silent tears. Who would have dreamed that this incredibly comical man was crying on the inside? I so appreciate your transparency here…I truly believe it will boost the healing process as your sharing with us reveals more and more that you are not alone…that there are so many out here who walk this journey with you, and we can lean upon one another in our brokenness. God is with you, my friend, and you will never walk alone…even in those moments void of all hope, when you grasp for the tiniest shred of a glimmer of light. Oh, how I understand that level of pain! But, there is One Who understands it more than any of us ever will, and He is in your corner…rooting for you, interceding for you, loving you…always. So thankful to have “met” you today…this is my first time here. May you feel wrapped in the arms of Jesus extra-close today. 🙂
Thank you for your beautiful encouragement, Cheryl! I’m so happy to meet you too. It is amazing when we open up our stories and struggles, how many others are able to step forward and say “Me too.” I hope to make this a space where we can all come for friendship and understanding, regardless of where we are in our brokenness- pain, recovery… I’m looking forward to getting to know you better :)!
Thank you so much for being honest and transparent. Too many people don’t even try to understand and go straight to judgment. We need to be open with those close to us so that nothing is hidden from discussion.
The judgement can be so frustrating, Sarah. I know exactly what you are talking about. Openness is the best cure for this. People need to understand how prevalent it is. Thanks so much for visiting :).
Hello Candace,
I arrived here through Holley’s Coffee for the Heart. And it’s great to be here. I struggle with depression and am trying to figure out what is going on. Due to a traumatic past depression is always on the horizon. It comes and goes and it has for years. Currently I wonder if it’s hormonal/cyclical. Anyways… I seem to find a to of on line ladies struggling with this. It’s great I am reading so much about it. For me it is hard to write about it at times because people really do not always get it. I am sure you know what I mean. Again, it’s great finding you here. Much love to you!!
I know exactly what you mean, Hope. People don’t always get it. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles and am thankful you found your way here. This is a disease that is definitely helped by finding people who understand. I look forward to getting to know you better!
Thank you for this post! One “good” thing that I think has come out of such a tragedy is that it is sparking a discussion about depression and making it less taboo…yes, it IS a real, serious illness that even a seemingly famous, rich, funny, happy man can become victim to, with it being fatal for him.
I’m thankful for the discussion this has sparked too, Terri. People need to understand this happens to so many. Everyone has some issue or another. We just don’t always share them. I so appreciate celebrities that come forward and share their struggles to help others not feel alone. I’ve noticed a lot more younger people in the spotlight doing this lately which is truly a gift to their fans.
I wish I wasn’t left speechless, Candace. I’m so grateful for your honesty here. I know that feeling of hopelessness. I know how addictions can take on different forms. Shame and more hopelessness. We just want to be seen but also fear really being seen. I remember being on the edge wishing for bravery. But the bravery I wish for me, for you and for others is bravery to reach out . . . .to gather and comfort one another . . . to encourage one another. Thank you again for this post. Praying you continue to find healing and freedom. God bless. xoxo
“We just want to be seen but also fear really being seen.” Yes!! What an insightful statement, Beth. I’m with you. I pray for us all to be brave enough to reach out too. Thank you for your sweet encouragement and prayers!
Depression is something I’ve dealt with most of my life. Thankfully I am medication free, after being on them for a couple of years many years ago. But even depression in the most mildest of states is detrimental to your health. I have to work hard to stay positive, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, all the way wrestling with thoughts of unworthiness and not enough. I know the depression I deal with cannot even compare to what you deal with, but it can be a starting point to a bigger issue. I appreciate you sharing your story. So many need to hear and to understand.
Congrats on being medication free, Barbie. There are many times I struggle more with medications than my actual mental issues I take them for. I’m on an extremely low dose of an antidepressant right now. My body is oddly susceptible to meds so I have to be extremely careful. Regardless, as you said, it takes a lot of work. Jesus helps me a great deal, but I still fight those thoughts of unworthiness too. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me!
Candace- to say I understand everything you feel and are going through would not be the truth, however, depression has been very close to me as I watched my husband suffer from it. Feeling helpless and not quite understanding is how I went through the period of time with him. He totally withdrew and I escaped by not facing the demons that were swirling around us. Many factors contributed to the downfall of our marriage-depression being a huge underlying cause that affected every other area. Things crumbled and several years after we were a part, he passed away. Once again, the underlying cause was depression. I pray fervently for all affected by this terrible disease and know that it hits close to home for so many people. Thank you for being brave, for facing your demons and for allowing God to walk this walk with you.
I had no idea about this devastating tragedy of your past, Mary! I’m so sorry to hear what you and your family went through. My first husband had some mental health issues as well. We divorced and he died from complications with diabetes shortly after. My daughter and I really struggled with losing him. I know what pain that must have heaped on you and your precious sons. Depression really does affect every area of our lives- relationships, physical health… Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m really enjoying getting to know you better. It sounds like we have endured some similar trials.
Thank you for being so open and sharing with us. I hope that the death of Robin Williams will bring more awareness to the fact that depression is a disease, and we need to find better treatments for it, instead of ignoring it. I suffer from anxiety and mild depression and I have to battle it every day. Knowing you are not alone is such an important part. Blessings to you.
We really do need better treatments, Lana. I completely agree. It seems we are going the opposite direction with so many mental health agencies losing much needed funding. I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety and depression. You are definitely not alone. I fight them both on a daily basis too. Blessings to you as well :)!
Candace,
As always, your blog has touched me! It brought tears to my eyes. I am praying that you overcome this terrible mental illness. Depression is just something that can be such a force. But always remember that God is a much more powerful force than the depression! Love you!
Hi Veronica! Thank you for your beautiful prayers. I’m learning more about God’s incredible force every day and it is definitely helping. It’s always great to see you :). Love you too, my friend! Can’t wait to finally meet next month!
Hi Candace!
My name is Joseph. I just discovered your blog, and subscribed. Poignant piece here concerning the Williams tragedy. Thank you for being a mentor for so many.
I was diagnosed manic-depressive back in 1992, and was started on Lithium (I have no doubt it dates back to my earliest years however). 22 years after being diagnosed, I still battle this affliction every day, fighting for my life with every thought, choice, breath sometimes. I recently tried to make a go of it without any medication – after two months I am back on just an antidepressant. During this time Robin Williams took his life. I can’t tell you how devastated I was. So much so that I feared for my own. My hypo-mania forced me to seek and ingest every available piece of news media on this, and I wrote long posts about it everywhere online.
A wonderful thing happened to me though, as a result of being so raw and exposed for so many consecutive days: God finally got sick of waiting for me to come to Him, and He came to me. Long story shorter, since that time I’ve gone from a virtual atheist to someone who’s faith in God can no longer be shaken. This has changed the whole game for me.
Like you, I’ve been a recovering alcoholic/drug abuser (in Alcoholics Anonymous) for over ten years. Like you, I still use food as a substance. And finally, like you, I do all I can to try to contribute to the solution.
I’m posting for anyone living with these conditions and suffering. You aren’t alone. Look around you – online with blogs like Candace’s here, in the eyes of those you pass, in your heart (not your mind) where you might have a dialogue with Someone you trust – you’ll see that you are one with many, many brothers and sisters.
Depression is like a lion. It follows the herd, watching, looking for the weak and lame ones. It wants you alone, so that it can pick you off. Fall behind and it pounces. The lion has no chance if you stay in the herd! What does this mean? Arm yourself with the available resources that surround you: medicine, therapy, support groups, healthy blogs, (good) online information, people who share openly (in person and in print), God, prayer, meditation, exercise…you can build a fortress against the storm, never mind a mere herd. Get strong, be strong, stay strong. Because the illness is strong, and we haven’t much of a chance if we roll up into our sheets in the dark. This approach has ended in tragedy too many times.
God bless you Candace. Rest in peace Robin. My prayers for all of you.
Joseph
Joseph, I am so thankful you found your way here and and shared your story with us. We really have so much in common. I was diagnosed manic-depressive about 8 or 9 years ago, but I’m certain I’ve had it my entire life as well. I think many of us use drugs, alcohol, food… to cope. I also feel your pain on the medications aspect. I’ve been on and off of them for most of my life. It’s tough to deal with. Mood stabilizers bring a whole different set of problems for me, but anti-depressants can send people like us into mania. It is walking a tightrope… Welcome to this community! I’m looking forward to getting to know you better. Many blessings to you!
I’ve got a few of those “like me” moments with Robin Williams as well. Made me truly grateful to be alive. I think about all the addicts and former addicts who’ve taken their own lives and I realize how blessed I am to be here. It really is good to be alive. All glory goes to Him.
It truly is great to be one of the lucky ones who made it out of alcohol and drug addiction alive. Unfortunately, the statistics are not good. I feel incredibly blessed as well, Laura. I thank God everyday for the changes He continues to make in me.